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Whales, trees send bitter, scornful letters as Al Gore reveals new girlfriend

5/19/2012 11:00 AM Matt Rock - It was recently discovered that former President... wait, sorry... former “Vice” President Al Gore has managed to land himself a new girlfriend, a Californian conservationist and big-time DNC donor by the name of Elizabeth Keadle. Gore's friends, family, and worldwide fans seem enthusiastic about his newly-blossoming relationship, but PTP has discovered that not everyone is excited about his new girlfriend... and no, we aren't talking about Tipper.

“How could he do this to me? After everything we've been through together?” asked Sheila, a killer whale from the South Pacific. “I thought we had something special together. Something magical. It's rare that a man and an oceanic dolphin commonly mistaken as a whale can share what Al and I had. I guess all of that is over now. He invented the Internet... and then he invented my broken heart.”

Whales weren't the only ones upset by Gore's new romance. “I've been around for, oh, nearly a thousand years now,” said Jessica, a redwood tree from California. “In all those years, I haven't known many humans. A few natives back in the day, and a kid peed on me in the 70's once, may he burn in hell. It's quite boring being a tree, surrounded by the same assholes for hundreds of years. Al Gore would hug me regularly. He made me feel loved. Respected. I guess that's over now. I guess I'll have to go back to hoping these jerks that grew up around me get cut down before I do. FML!”

PTP contacted Gore's office at CurrentTV, but they refused comment. The receptionist did state, however, that letters and emails from animals and vegetation have been pouring in nonstop since the romance between Gore and Keadle was made public. Comments

Birthers produce irrefutable evidence that President Obama was born in Kenya 5/18/2012 8:11 PM Matt Rock - “Birthers,” a group of people that believe President Obama was not born in Hawaii, but is instead a foreigner who won the White House illegally, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, scored a major victory earlier this evening when they discovered insurmou... Read More & Comments

Romney campaign celebrates huge financial gains with Romney-themed “fair” 5/18/2012 9:50 AM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney's presidential campaign is looking quite a bit stronger, after it reported that in April, the former Massachusetts governor brought in $40.1 million in campaign donations, nearly matching President Obama's donations of $43.6 million. To celebrate the w... Read More & Comments

Obama, Romney argue over who is the worst character assassin 5/17/2012 3:33 PM Matt Rock - The New York Times reported this morning that Joe Ricketts, the founder of TD Ameritrade, is planning a massive character assassination campaign against President Obama this September, planning for ads to roll out around the time of the Democratic National Conventi... Read More & Comments

Spiders force Ron Paul to suspend his campaign 5/16/2012 8:30 PM Floyd Harden - Ron Paul officially suspended his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination Monday, telling anyone who would listen that he was dropping out “because of my perfectly rational fear of spiders.”

Paul, who campaigned on a promise to fundamentally re-s... Read More & Comments

Greek Gods get fed up, declare themselves heads of government 5/16/2012 10:30 AM Matt Rock - After Greece again failed to form a new government in the wake of debating a Euro bailout package that will leave millions of Greeks with strongly-opposed slashed wages and deep, painful spending cuts, the ancient Greek Gods returned to Earth, declaring themselves ... Read More & Comments

Romney calls to congratulate Obama after George W. Bush endorses him 5/15/2012 3:06 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney placed a phone call this afternoon to President Barack Obama, congratulating him on a successful presidential campaign in the 2012 elections and wishing him the best of luck in his second term, after former President George W. Bu... Read More & Comments

JPMorgan Chase CIO gets $4 billion retirement package after $3 billion screw-up 5/14/2012 8:33 PM Matt Rock - JPMorgan Chase & Co's Chief Investment Officer, Ina Drew, retired from the company today after 30 years of service, in the wake of massive $3 billion trading losses. Drew said she felt terrible about the risky trading she led the company into, and felt her early r... Read More & Comments

Politicians find PTP on Facebook, realize the blue text is a link to a whole article 5/14/2012 10:02 AM Matt Rock - Capitol Hill has been buzzing these past few days about Pardon the Pundit – the website you're visiting right now – after Florida Congressman Allen West discovered articles containing his name after drawing his blinds and Googlebating for a few minutes on Thursday... Read More & Comments

Hipsters, other college kids capture Joseph Kony's top LRA Commander 5/13/2012 3:16 PM Matt Rock - Joseph Kony, the leader of the Lord's Resistance Army in Africa who was made famous in a viral documentary about him, suffered a major blow today when Caesar Acellam, one of Kony's top commanders, was captured after a brief firefight near the Congo border.
Read More & Comments

Hackers vandalize Tea Party website, post facts with supporting links 5/12/2012 8:30 PM Matt Rock - Tea Party web administrators are on high alert this weekend after an unidentified group of hackers assaulted and vandalized a website belonging to the “Independence Hall Tea Party.” The hackers allegedly posted crude, lewd, and offensive imagery and text, but acco... Read More & Comments

Millions of Americans to go without daily Obama emails on Sunday 5/12/2012 10:30 AM Matt Rock - Countless millions of American citizens will need to suffer for a whole 24 hours tomorrow (Sunday, 5/13) without getting even one email, tweet, or Facebook status update from President Obama. Americans are being informed today via emails and social networking upda... Read More & Comments

PTP staff finally report in from George Clooney's Obama fundraiser party 5/11/2012 3:21 PM Matt Rock - Hollywood superstar George Clooney held a massive fundraiser for President Obama last night, raising a record-setting $15 million during the event. The party was packed to the brim with A-listers, including the President himself and his entourage. And even though... Read More & Comments

House drops Census survey in “disinformation campaign”, plans to attack polling next 5/10/2012 8:50 PM Matt Rock - Earlier today, the Republican-controlled House voted to get rid of surveys that have been used by the government and a myriad of businesses since 1790. The surveys, conducted by the Census Bureau and once known as the “long form Census,” asked several questions ab... Read More & Comments

Bachmann granted citizenship in Switzerland, refuses to return to home planet 5/10/2012 10:41 AM Matt Rock - Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, famed as being the first female alien creature from another planet to have run in an American presidential election, has been granted citizenship in Switzerland. This has given Bachmann rare triple-citizenship; she is recognized as ... Read More & Comments

Gays and lesbians ravage the nation after President Obama endorses gay marriage 5/9/2012 3:31 PM Matt Rock - American citizens are being urged to stay indoors, with their doors and windows securely locked, their blinds closed tightly, and to not wear clothes that clash, for fear of rampaging homosexual hordes that have formed in the wake of President Obama's official endo... Read More & Comments

Will Smith called a communist, birthplace questioned after asking to pay higher taxes 5/8/2012 8:22 PM Matt Rock - Iconic Hollywood film star Will Smith recently said that he likes the idea of the wealthy paying higher taxes, and that he'd be willing to do it because “America has been fantastic” to him, and that he'll pay whatever he needs to to “keep [his] country growing.” B... Read More & Comments

Ted Nugent claims he “doesn't want to rape your puppy,” only wants to cuddle 5/8/2012 9:00 AM Matt Rock - “Rock musician” Ted Nugent, who was recently investigated by the Secret Service for an alleged threat against President Obama, has been digging himself into trouble all weekend, first with a profanity-infused interview with CBS News, and then with a radio interview... Read More & Comments

Vladimir Putin endorses himself in the US 2012 presidential elections 5/7/2012 3:18 PM Matt Rock - Today in Russia, Vladimir Putin took the oath of office that he wrote, in a ceremony that he planned, with catering provided by him, and with music performed by famed Russian rock band “Vladimir Putin and the band that will play behind him if they don't want to pay... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul loses supporters after “super moon” doesn't beam them into space 5/6/2012 8:10 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul, who has mathematically lost the 2012 primary but continues to run for reasons unbeknownst to anyone, lost nearly 80% of his supporters in the past 24 hours, after his prediction that last night's “super moon” would send out beam... Read More & Comments

Romney taps “Julia” for VP 5/6/2012 10:50 AM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney made the only Presidential-level decision of his campaign yesterday when he announced that he has chosen the Obama campaign’s Julia as his vice-presidential running mate. At press time it appeared that Romney may have been unaware that Julia is a ficti... Read More & Comments

Nugent amputates toe to prove a point 5/5/2012 4:19 PM Floyd Harden - Ted Nugent went berserk yesterday on the set of CBS This Morning, cutting off his pinkie toe to prove his moderate standing in the Republican Party. Nugent’s bizarre behavior appeared to be in response to a question from Jeff Gorr.

Referring to statements... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney attempts to honor Beastie Boy Adam Yauch, raps horrifically at event 5/4/2012 10:04 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney, hoping to court younger voters in yet another effort to prove that he's a human, attempted to pay homage to Adam Yauch (“MCA”) of legendary New York rap/ punk/ rock trio the Beastie Boys, who shockingly passed away this morning at the age of 47 after n... Read More & Comments

Tuna sandwich beating Obama, Romney in new polls 5/4/2012 11:09 AM Matt Rock - A tuna melt sandwich prepared in the swing state of Indiana has officially pulled ahead of both President Obama and presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney in a general, national poll of likely voters. The results of the three way polling show that the American people... Read More & Comments

BP criminal investigation spreads; local fast food manager indicted 5/3/2012 3:18 PM Matt Rock - The criminal investigation into the catastrophic BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico in 2010 has resulted in two indictments thus far. The first was that of 11-year old Lindsey Powell, who allegedly haggled with a BP safety inspector, which made him late for work o... Read More & Comments

Tyler Perry announces movie about Michelle Obama, studio burns to the ground 5/2/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock - Atlanta-based media mogul Tyler Perry suffered a major loss last evening when his film and television studio burned to the ground. Police are investigating the cause of the fire, but some individuals in Perry's inner-circle revealed to PTP that they think a sinist... Read More & Comments

PTP finds a list of unused Romney campaign slogans 5/2/2012 11:38 AM Matt Rock - On Monday night, PTP published a list of unused slogans that the Obama campaign considered, before finally settling on “Forward.” Since then, we've been searching to find all of the slogans that the Mitt Romney campaign considered, too. But using paper-shredder s... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney, still trying to relate to humans, talks about “wild days” in college at BYU 5/1/2012 3:10 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney, the first Mormon cyborg-mannequin candidate in the political history of the United States, has struggled thus far to show humans that he understands what flesh and blood mortal beings experience day by day. To coun... Read More & Comments

PTP uncovers unused Obama campaign slogans for 2012 4/30/2012 8:06 PM Matt Rock - President Obama's reelection campaign recently revealed their new campaign slogan for 2012, replacing “Hope” and “Change” with another one-word idea: “Forward.” After several hours of dumpster rummaging, bribing senior-level Obama campaign strategists, and selling... Read More & Comments

John Boehner defends “loser” comment, says the poor shouldn't aspire to be President 4/30/2012 9:59 AM Matt Rock - House Speaker John Boehner spoke with reporters this morning, elaborating on a comment he made this weekend that “the American people do not want to vote for a loser,” and that Mitt Romney, a multi-millionaire, sets a great example for America's less-to-do.

... Read More & Comments

President Obama asks PTP for satire gig after killing at the Correspondents Dinner 4/29/2012 3:50 PM Matt Rock - President Obama's performance at the White House Correspondents Dinner last evening has been hailed as one of the most memorable, especially in recent years. And PTP's staff, with our nosebleed seats at a table between the ShamWow guy and Paris Hilton, were in for... Read More & Comments

Romney attempts to dance with “Charleston,” “Robot” moves while reading a newspaper 4/28/2012 8:22 PM Matt Rock - In an attempt to cash in on President Obama's recent appearance on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” wherein the President “slow-jammed the news” with Fallon and Black Thought of The Roots, presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney attempted to dance and read a newspaper a... Read More & Comments

Allen West says communists aren't the only ones hiding out in the Democratic party 4/28/2012 10:17 AM Matt Rock - Freshman Florida Congressman Allen West, who recently made headlines with the shocking allegation that around 80 members of the Democratic Party are communists, is at it again today, announcing on an early morning radio talk show program in Florida that “an unknown... Read More & Comments

Nerd Prom! Who's cares? These people! 4/27/2012 3:31 PM Alyson Durden - Washington, DC, often referred to as "Hollywood for ugly people," will get a taste of the real LA deal tomorrow night for the White House Correspondents' Dinner, aka: #NerdProm. The event has too many A List stars attending to list here. There are so many of them... Read More & Comments

Mayan apocalypse asteroid won't hit Earth if it's invited to Clooney's Obama fundraiser 4/26/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock - A massive asteroid the size of Germany, which is due to land in the Pacific Ocean on December 21st of this year and destroy all of humanity with what scientists are describing as “a friggin' huge tsunami,” says that it will intentionally miss the Earth completely a... Read More & Comments

Way to break the news, CNN! Craptastic "network" predicts the end of the Gingrich campaign months after the rest of the universe saw it coming 4/26/2012 10:48 AM Alyson Durden - Not wanting to be outdone by famous television psychic and infamous con woman, Miss Cleo (aka Cleomili Harris and Youree Perris), CNN announced today that it has exclusive information that former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign is ending ... Read More & Comments

Gingrich dropping out next week when newest book is released 4/25/2012 5:02 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, whose fledgling presidential campaign has been mired in numerous single-digit primary finishes, will be reportedly dropping out of the race next week, on Tuesday, May 1st, according to sources close to his campaign. Gingrich is ... Read More & Comments

Ann Romney insists single moms should fire personal staffs rather than getting jobs 4/24/2012 8:33 PM Matt Rock - Ann Romney is continuing her fight for stay-at-home-mom's everywhere today, after a verbal battle with Democratic strategist Hillary Rosen earlier in April led her to defending her work raising five boys. Romney acknowledged that some moms need to go out and find ... Read More & Comments

Time travelling Romney tries to fix flip-flops 4/24/2012 11:00 AM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney took the biggest gamble of his political career yesterday when he went back in time to the year 2007 to warn himself not to say some of the things that are now haunting him on the campaign trail. Unfortunately, 2012 Romney was unable to find himself, b... Read More & Comments

Romney, Congressmen hospitalized after Obama says intentional car crashes are bad 4/23/2012 4:39 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney and eight Republican congressmen all experienced car accidents earlier today, all happening within a span of about 3.5 hours, after President Obama passively stated that “intentionally crashing your car sounds like a terrible ide... Read More & Comments

President Obama arrives at Earth Day event with huge motorcade, helicopters 4/22/2012 8:16 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama traveled to a State Park in Virginia today to deliver an Earth Day speech, which pundits are hailing as one of his finest and most poignant to date. And while the whole event only lasted for about eight or nine minutes, Environmentalists aro... Read More & Comments

Romney’s Secret Service detail resigns 4/22/2012 10:30 AM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney’s entire secret service detail abruptly resigned yesterday after it was revealed that Romney will not be traveling out of the country any time soon. Following the mass resignation, the Romney campaign issued a statement: “While the Governor was disappo... Read More & Comments

Internal GOP memos leaked, reveal anti-Obama efforts based on his left-handedness 4/21/2012 3:11 PM Matt Rock - PTP has just obtained several confidential memos that prove, beyond any reason of doubt, that a number of key players in the contemporary conservative movement have been orchestrating an elaborate plot to destroy President Obama's credibility with voters and develo... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney appears at “420” event, thought it was a Tea Party tax code summit 4/20/2012 8:24 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney showed up to a college “420 event” in Colorado today, apparently unaware that April 20th (“420”) is celebrated by marijuana users as “weed day,” a national holiday that is condemned by the government, beloved by stoners, and has ... Read More & Comments

Michele Bachmann defends “tar baby” quote, says Obama doesn't have a baby or tar 4/20/2012 10:24 AM Matt Rock - Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, who recently gave an interview where she claimed that President Obama proposing an end to oil speculation was like “waiving a tar baby in the air,” has gone on a full-defensive today as mainstream media sources begin pickin... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul safe after being lost in NYC for 72 hours; no one realized he was missing 4/19/2012 3:16 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul was rescued today by a New York City police officer that recognized him, and was soon after flown down to Texas to be with family and recover from what friends of the Congressman described as a “harrowing ordeal.” Paul had gone ... Read More & Comments

Romney 3D! 4/18/2012 8:30 PM Floyd Harden - Pardon The Pundit has learned that the same technology that was used to project a 3D image of Tupac Shakur on stage at the Coachella Music Festival has enabled the Mitt Romney campaign for the last three years to project a 3D image rather than an actual living, bre... Read More & Comments

Corporate personhood allowing Wal-Mart to run for president in independent bid 4/18/2012 10:35 AM Matt Rock - The Wal-Mart corporation made a stunning announcement moments ago, on the steps of their corporate headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas. After several weeks of internal debate, the chain of mega-stores has revealed to the world that the corporation itself will ru... Read More & Comments

Boehner weeps, endorses Romney after receiving tanning salon gift card 4/17/2012 3:06 PM Matt Rock - House Speaker John Boehner, crying uncontrollably as his spray tan ran down his cheeks, gleefully endorsed Mitt Romney's presidential bid earlier today, calling together a press conference and speaking at length about why Romney was his top choice for the White Hou... Read More & Comments

New group of women voters pledges support to Romney, ask that he announce a safe word 4/16/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A new national political action group comprised entirely of female voters has pledged their support to presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney, despite the fact that President Obama holds a landslide leading margin over Romney with women voters overall. The group, whi... Read More & Comments

North Korean government offers clean water, sunlight to anyone that fixes missiles 4/16/2012 10:48 AM Matt Rock - After an embarrassing attempted long-range missile launch on Friday, North Korea's government is apparently hoping to find a promising solution by turning to its people. Last night, state television in Pyongyang announced that they want their citizens to help find... Read More & Comments

Colombian hotel at the center of prostitution scandal owned by three American political figures 4/15/2012 3:10 PM Matt Rock - It turns out that the alleged prostitution scandal involving Secret Service agents and military personnel in a Colombian hotel goes straight to the top... well, not the top really, but higher than anyone expected. Accountants in Washington DC have revealed that th... Read More & Comments

Doctors reveal that at least 15% of Newt Gingrich is made up of pink slime 4/14/2012 8:41 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary candidate Newt Gingrich suffered yet another gut-wrenching blow on the campaign trail today, after a panel of doctors revealed to the world that at least 15%, and possibly as much as 35%, of the former House Speaker's body is made up of a pure, enriched... Read More & Comments

Sources claim Obama arrested his own Secret Service agents, used kung fu moves 4/14/2012 8:34 AM Matt Rock - Anonymous senior-level sources at the US Treasury Department have revealed that the dozen Secret Service agents that were relieved of duty last night were discovered to be performing acts of misconduct by the very man they were sent to Columbia to protect: Presiden... Read More & Comments

Romney makes bold play toward centrism, announces his “petting the poor” plan 4/13/2012 3:10 PM Matt Rock - With his GOP presidential nomination all but certain after Rick Santorum surprisingly dropped out of the race, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney has announced that he has a plan for America's poor to “be more useful” and to give them “a place in our society... Read More & Comments

Fox News discovers, brutally tortures “the Fox Mole” 4/12/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock - Fox News has officially captured “The Fox Mole,” an employee by the name of Joe Muto who recently released a series of telling insider posts to the Gawker website while using that pseudonym. Muto is currently undergoing physical and psychiatric evaluations at an u... Read More & Comments

Our reality will end when 18th century revolutionary wakes up in November, experts say 4/12/2012 8:16 AM Matt Rock - A Revolutionary War veteran known only as “Harold,” who fell on a patch of ice and hit his head in 1781, has reportedly dreamed everything that has happened in America in the past 231 years, according to a team of theoretical physicists from MIT, NYU, and the Unive... Read More & Comments

President Obama debates Allen West, makes him cry 4/11/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock - Freshman Congressman Allen West of Florida, who held a Town Hall meeting yesterday at Florida's Atlantic University (which isn't a town, or even a village for that matter), claimed that he had “heard” that as many as 80 House Democrats are secretly members of the C... Read More & Comments

Bare Ass Naked Lesbian Woman! 4/10/2012 8:15 PM Floyd Harden - Editor's note: PTP has learned that the politician formerly known as Rick Santorum has just dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. This news comes as a surprise to everyone but us. After reporting the story that follows, we had a feelin... Read More & Comments

Politicians fearful that New Jersey corruption law might spread nationally 4/10/2012 10:30 AM Matt Rock - Fearing for their jobs, Democrats and Republicans in Washington DC uncharacteristically joined forces this past weekend, in an effort to stop New Jersey's new anti-corruption law from spreading nationwide. Politicians are concerned that the law, which would suspen... Read More & Comments

Breaking news: US to hold presidential election in 2012 4/9/2012 3:15 PM Alyson Durden - The US Federal Election Committee (FEC) shocked the world this morning with news that they plan to hold a presidential election later this year.

The FEC released the following statement: "In accordance with the US Constitution, we are required to hold pres... Read More & Comments

Jesus sends Easter message to Washington, bashes Republicans, Democrats 4/9/2012 12:06 AM Matt Rock - Jesus Christ, who usually celebrates Easter by taking a day off and relaxing on a private beach in the Caribbean, contacted several news outlets throughout the United States earlier this evening with a message to American politicians, demanding they stop invoking h... Read More & Comments

Dick Cheney shoots Easter Bunny in face 4/8/2012 11:07 AM Matt Rock - Former Vice President Dick Cheney, whose fresh heart pumps cold and is energized by the fears of his foes around the globe, has reportedly shot the Easter Bunny in the face, during a hunting trip this weekend.

“I wish to sincerely apologize to Dick Cheney fo... Read More & Comments

Palin, Rubio, Ryan, and West compete to be Romney's running mate 4/7/2012 4:10 PM Matt Rock - With the GOP primary starting to wind down, it has become obvious to most – well, for some of us, it's been obvious for a long time now – that Mitt Romney is going to win the nomination, and will face off in the General election against President Obama, a race he'l... Read More & Comments

Romney defends greedy Mega Millions “winner,” insists she keep her money 4/6/2012 8:23 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney stood up earlier today to defend Mirlande Wilson, a Baltimore woman who claims she was one of the three winners of the record-breaking Mega Millions jackpot one week ago. Wilson, a single mother of seven, has been in a major dispute with her co-workers... Read More & Comments

GOP approval of Romney will drop below that of Obama, math expert says 4/6/2012 10:15 AM Matt Rock - Renowned mathematician Albert Roels, who has been researching the mathematics of polling while trying to wrap his brain around the electoral college system, which not even politicians really understand, has discovered that if trending continues along its current tr... Read More & Comments

Al Gore courts GOP figures, hopes to find a conservative host for Current TV 4/5/2012 3:40 PM Matt Rock - Former Vice President Al Gore, who co-owns the Current TV television network with business mogul Joel Hyatt, is reportedly courting a number of famous GOP figures with the hopes of offering them a television program. Current TV made headlines recently after its fi... Read More & Comments

GOP figures line up to call Obama a “Bully,” demand he returns to caving on everything 4/4/2012 9:00 PM Matt Rock - Earlier today, Republican South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley charged President Obama with being a “bully,” during an interview she gave to Fox News, insisting that the President “says no to everything” and accusing him of obstructionism. While most people laughed... Read More & Comments

Romney takes long, cold shower after having given out free food to voters 4/4/2012 11:00 AM Matt Rock - Wisconsin Democrats have filed a complaint that yesterday, Mitt Romney dished out free submarine sandwiches to voters in Waukesha, Wisconsin, as a stunt to “buy” votes with free food. But PTP has learned this morning, from sources close to Romney's campaign and fa... Read More & Comments

Obama encourages Mitt Romney to pick Sarah Palin as his running mate 4/3/2012 4:07 PM Matt Rock - Sarah Palin, appearing in an interview this morning with Matt Lauer on the NBC morning show “Today,” expressed – again – her interest in joining a ticket as Vice President. And while the GOP's primary frontrunner, Mitt Romney, has yet to express any interest in br... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney discovers the dangers of lactose intolerance in Wisconsin 4/2/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney was rushed to an area hospital in Milwaukee this afternoon, after breaking wind for the very first time in his entire life. The humanoid cybernetic mannequin was released shortly thereafter, with doctors blaming the episode o... Read More & Comments

Christie's real reason for backing Romney revealed: has set his sights on 2016 4/2/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has never been known for mincing his words or for keeping his opinions to himself, but earlier today he outdid himself when he accidentally admitted his real reason for backing Mitt Romney. PTP was granted an interview with the g... Read More & Comments

Romney, Koch Brothers reveal their April Fool's plans 4/1/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney is celebrating April Fool's Day this year, pulling campy, uninspired pranks on his unsuspecting – ohh, we almost said “friends” there, almost! – acquaintances, joined by the only two mammals that will ever find anything whatsoeve... Read More & Comments

Secret Supreme Court recording reveals deep divisions 3/31/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden - PTP has obtained a secret audio recording made during the private conference the Supreme Court convened last week after they had heard arguments for and against The Affordable Healthcare Act. The recording, which took the form of a voice mail after Justice Clarenc... Read More & Comments

Police investigating link between Cheney’s new heart and Tin Man’s tragic death 3/31/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - After it was announced this week that former Vice President Dick Cheney had received a heart transplant, Kansas authorities began investigating a promising new lead into the mysterious death of the Tin Man, the former resident of Oz who, in recent years, had been m... Read More & Comments

Foreign car makers request “Obama bailout,” hope to cash in on GM's good fortune 3/30/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Five foreign automobile companies have teamed together to formally request assistance from the Obama administration today, with the unnamed international alliance of automakers (hey, there's a good name right there!) insisting that the bailout money helped American... Read More & Comments

Millions of Americans set sighing record after Mitt Romney jokes about closing a factory 3/29/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A new world record for the most people letting out an audible sigh simultaneously was set yesterday, when 7.8 million Americans learned that GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney made a “joke” about his father closing a factory.

The new record beats the previo... Read More & Comments

Obama buys 847,000 Mega Millions tickets as jackpots reaches $500 million 3/29/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - In a showing that he is serious about paying down America's debt, President Obama has personally paid for 847,000 lottery tickets, hoping that he can win big with this Friday's record-setting “Mega Millions” lotto jackpot of an estimated $500,000,000.

“If I ... Read More & Comments

Supreme Court accidentally outlaws health care entirely 3/28/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The United States Supreme Court, hearing cases for and against the Health Care Reform Act of 2010, has outlawed all health care in the United States, making it a crime punishable by up to fifty years in prison as a patient, and seventy years as a health care provid... Read More & Comments

President Obama experiences second hot microphone in a week 3/27/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama, who recently caused a bit of controversy when he spoke with Russian President Dimitri Medvedev, asking for “space” in a missile defense discussion until he gets past his re-election bid in November without realizing his microphone was hot, h... Read More & Comments

Obama bets big on unicorn fart power 3/27/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - As part of his energy tour touting his administration’s efforts to encourage alternative energy development, President Obama made a stop in Idaho today, where he announced that he is backing an $870 billion dollar federal loan guarantee to Farticorn, the Boise base... Read More & Comments

Politics sure does make strange bedfellows; Gingrich courts Lyndon LaRouche 3/26/2012 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - One well known political adage is the profession makes for "strange bedfellows" as peculiar alliances can form between improbable allies over unlikely issues. The theory was first brought up during the current presidential cycle when rumors began circulating that ... Read More & Comments

Cheney heart transplant process revealed to PTP by surgeons, witchdoctors 3/25/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former Vice President Dick Cheney recently underwent a successful heart transplant, and is currently in the process of recovering from surgery. While many news outlets are reporting this major story at face value, PTP is strapping on rubber gloves and getting you ... Read More & Comments

Apple iPhone’s Siri backs Obama 3/25/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - Siri, the iPhone feature that interfaces with users who are too lazy to do things with their fingers, has announced she will support President Obama for re-election. In an exclusive interview with PTP, Siri explained her choice.

PTP: Good morning, Siri.
... Read More & Comments

PTP debunks the “Mitt Romney is a polygamist” myth 3/24/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Much to everyone's chagrin, I called in the full staff here at PTP last night, on a Friday, after work hours were done, without pizza and without the trusty office PlayStation 3 running, to help debunk the nonsensical conspiracy theory that Mitt Romney might be a p... Read More & Comments

Violence erupts after Tea Party, Occupy Wall Street protesters find themselves agreeing 3/23/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A war of words quickly escalated into a war of physical violence after members of the Tea Party and members of Occupy Wall Street found themselves coming head-to-head in the streets of New York City this evening. Police are reporting twelve injuries and over two-d... Read More & Comments

Nation begs John Edwards to just go away 3/23/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - In an unprecedented move, the entire country banded together for one purpose this morning: to get John Edwards to stay out of the news forever. The action was prompted by a new report that the former presidential candidate used prostitutes while campaigning. As s... Read More & Comments

Romney boldly praises Bush, confused audience sets drooling record 3/22/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A new world record for the most drooling by a group of people ever was set yesterday, when GOP presidential primary frontrunner Mitt Romney, speaking at a Town Hall meeting in Arbutus, Maryland yesterday, claimed that it was George W. Bush's stimulus package – not ... Read More & Comments

GOP candidates react to news of women organizing a “sex strike” 3/21/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - In response to the recent renewal of the infamous culture wars, with Republicans pushing to strip women of their reproductive rights, many women throughout the United States are joining up with a planned “sex strike,” where they will deny men access to their... uh.... Read More & Comments

PTP survey reveals Republicans prefer Reagan for nominee 3/21/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - A PTP survey of Republican primary voters has revealed that, if none of the current presidential contenders wraps up the Republican nomination before the party’s convention in Tampa this August, former President Ronald Reagan would be the overwhelming choice to fac... Read More & Comments

Illinois voters to pick GOP candidates based on how criminal they are 3/20/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Illinois primaries are truly one-of-a-kind in American politics, with the State's voters choosing candidates not based on how well they might lead, or how responsible they'd be in office, or how their Presidency might affect their lives on a personal level. In... Read More & Comments

PTP Exclusive: Rick Santorum watched a porno once! 3/19/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary contender Rick Santorum has taken a stand recently against the pornographic film industry, blaming porn for the downfall of civilization as we know it. But PTP has discovered that he has, in fact, watched a porn at one point in his life, and may even h... Read More & Comments

Facebook shareholder poked to death moments after shares open 5/18/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock - When Trisha Cohen and Jane Reid of Manhattan bought shares earlier today in Facebook, on the social networking giant's first day of public trading, neither expected that tragedy was lurking on the horizon. Cohen and Reid, friends since grade school, decided to buy... Read More & Comments

Scott Walker answers embezzlement claims while shredding paper 5/17/2012 8:37 PM Matt Rock - PTP sat down earlier today with Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who faces a challenging recall election next month as the result of his efforts to strip union rights in the State. When we arrived at Walker's office, his staff was quite busy, bustling about as the... Read More & Comments

Romney settles on the perfect running mate 5/17/2012 10:30 AM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney re-shocked the Republican establishment yesterday when he announced that he no longer wants Barack Obama or Ronald Reagan or the fictional character “Julia” or the other fictional character “Sarah Palin” or the comely Portuguese virgin he pays $70 thous... Read More & Comments

Palin to marry Limbaugh 5/16/2012 3:10 PM Floyd Harden - Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin shocked the conservative establishment yesterday when they announced plans to marry. At a news conference held outside the Missouri Statehouse where Limbaugh had just been secretly enshrined into the Hall of Famous Missourians Nobody ... Read More & Comments

Obama has hot mic gaffe while playing online video game 5/15/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Just hours after his hot mic goof-up at Barnard College in Manhattan yesterday, President Obama managed to land himself in more trouble last night after failing to mute the Bluetooth headset on his Sony PlayStation 3, while blowing off some steam by playing Mass Ef... Read More & Comments

Wisconsin Governor explains why he keeps reducing his work load 5/15/2012 9:10 AM Matt Rock - The Wisconsin Center for Investigative Journalism recently revealed to America that the State's Governor, Scott Walker, has been doing less actual state-related work since the recall efforts against him began shaping up after he muscled through his famous union-str... Read More & Comments

Bizarre, “magical” events take place after congressman refuses to meet with prostitute 5/14/2012 4:15 PM Matt Rock - A string of bewildering incidents have sprung up around the globe today after Congressman Peter King (R-NY), chair of the House Homeland Security Committee, told CNN that he would not meet with the prostitute involved in the US Secret Service scandal, Dania Londono... Read More & Comments

Kevin Costner offers services to President Obama, wants to be his bodyguard 5/13/2012 9:00 PM Matt Rock - Hollywood actor Kevin Costner announced today that he is endorsing President Obama in his incumbency bid, just as he had in 2008, and that he hopes to play an active role in the President's campaign... as a bodyguard. Costner released the following statement to th... Read More & Comments

Romney interview goes south after candidate bullies reporter 5/13/2012 10:48 AM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney can't seem to escape the press labeling him a bully. And last evening, the presumptive GOP presidential nominee only managed to make things worse for himself, when he bullied CNN anchor Don Lemon on live television, thinking that he was proving that hi... Read More & Comments

GOP figures lash out against Betty White, labels her “socialist,” “domestic terrorist” 5/12/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock - Hollywood starlet Betty White is under fire today by the GOP and the Tea Party after the 90-year old actress recently endorsed President Obama, the first such endorsement she's ever made. Conservatives are saying that White, who told the Associated Press that she ... Read More & Comments

Rick Santorum suing Dan Savage, demands Mitt Romney also get a funny website 5/11/2012 8:07 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP primary contender Rick Santorum is filing a lawsuit against famed gay rights advocate Dan Savage over the existence of the website “spreadingsantorum.com,” which presents an offensive, but hilarious, definition of “Santorum” in response to Santorum's voc... Read More & Comments

Palin applies for citizenship in Hungary, tries to prove she's crazier than Bachmann 5/11/2012 9:29 AM Matt Rock - In the feud between Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann over which is the craziest radical Conservative female in the United States, Alaska's former half-term Governor just scored a major victory over the wild-eyed Minnesotan when she applied for dual-citizenship in H... Read More & Comments

Former classmates, employees of Mitt Romney speak out about his bullying 5/10/2012 3:30 PM Matt Rock - Shortly after the Washington Post recently published a story that presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney bullied a closeted homosexual student when they were in prep school, Romney responded on a conservative radio show, laughing as he recalled pinning th... Read More & Comments

Romney campaign vetting Zombie Reagan for VP, worried he's too liberal 5/9/2012 9:05 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney's campaign staff are currently vetting former President Ronald Reagan, despite the fact that he's dead as a doornail, to join the Romney ticket as his VP candidate. Campaign insiders have reported to PTP that the vetting process has been underway for a... Read More & Comments

Didn't see Rick Santorum's email endorsement of Mitt Romney? PTP has it here! 5/9/2012 10:33 AM Matt Rock - Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum officially endorsed presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney in an email message to his campaign's supporters monday night. But unless you've been getting emails from Santorum this whole time, you couldn't have read it... until now. ... Read More & Comments

Romney goes on credit-taking spree after claiming he saved the auto industry 5/8/2012 3:10 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney, who said that he'll “take a lot of credit” for the US auto industry's comeback despite having demanded we let them fail in 2008, hasn't seemingly recognized yet that his quote was a pretty epic gaffe. This morning, Romney doubl... Read More & Comments

GOP defends house budget, says “F--- the Poor” bill title isn't what it sounds like 5/7/2012 8:28 PM Matt Rock - House Republicans are defending new legislation that would, if passed, cut spending over the next decade by over $300 billion, all by gutting financial industry regulations, food stamps, government- issued and assisted health care, grants, and other such programs. ... Read More & Comments

Joe Biden: “I'm comfortable with legalizing marijuana” 5/7/2012 9:20 AM Matt Rock - Just 24 hours after having sparked a controversy by admitting that he's “comfortable” with marriage equality, Vice President Joe Biden is pulling his shoe out of his mouth yet again, after sparking something else entirely... admitting to PTP during an interview thi... Read More & Comments

Obama announces new plan for redistributing wealth 5/6/2012 3:17 PM Floyd Harden - President Obama kicked off his re-election campaign yesterday by calling on working class Americans to rob the rich.

Speaking at a rally at Ohio State University in Columbus, Obama told a crowd of enthusiastic supporters “With a Congress that refuses to do... Read More & Comments

CNN hopes to win back ratings by unveiling “news cat” 5/5/2012 8:38 PM Matt Rock - Famed news network CNN has been struggling in the past few years with crumbling ratings and broken technological “marvels” that audiences find funny and silly rather than intriguing, like holographic interviews, magic walls, and “weebles.” But CNN President Ken Ja... Read More & Comments

After 500k per month job recovery claim, Romney sets more standards for Obama 5/5/2012 10:30 AM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney claimed yesterday that America's job recovery should boast 500,000 new jobs each month, criticizing President Obama's 14 consecutive months of private sector job growth, even though it is highly rare for America to produce eve... Read More & Comments

Obama campaign website's “life of Julia” sparks controversy with questionable entries 5/4/2012 3:09 PM Matt Rock - President Obama's re-election campaign recently unveiled a new feature on their website, called “Life of Julia” (www.barackobama.com/life-of-julia), which tracks the life of a fictional, statistical composite of your typical American female. But the website was fo... Read More & Comments

One year later, tiger shark recalls having found and eaten Osama Bin Laden 5/3/2012 8:44 PM Matt Rock - It was May 3rd, 2011 -- one year ago to the day – that a tiger shark named Oscar would stumble across a grisly discovery at the bottom of the North Arabian Sea that would change his life forever, in more ways that one. Some of those ways would be positive. Others... Read More & Comments

Diary excerpts from Obama's ex foreshadow Presidency 5/3/2012 10:40 AM Matt Rock - Vanity Fair has obtained the diary of one Genevieve Cook, who met Barack Obama at a Christmas party in 1983 and kicked off a serious relationship with him. While Vanity Fair won't be releasing the diary until their June issue, PTP has obtained exclusive access to ... Read More & Comments

Gingrich drops out of race after Romney offers Moon Ambassadorship 5/2/2012 3:10 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich officially suspended his presidential campaign today, stepping aside and endorsing presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney during a press event. Gingrich was more upbeat than most analysts had predicted he'd be, and soon after making... Read More & Comments

Congress investigating new Facebook organ donor tool, worried about stolen kidneys 5/1/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock - Congress will be holding a special hearing next week with regards to Facebook's recently-announced organ donor tool, which Facebook claims is designed to make the process of becoming an organ donor easier. Mark Zuckerberg, who was subpoenaed earlier today, says he... Read More & Comments

New state law will require some Arizonian women to slap themselves 5/1/2012 10:47 AM Matt Rock - Arizona passed a new law today which will mandate female Arizonians that fit certain criteria to slap themselves in the face each morning, and whenever they engage in conversations in public. The “Oh No She Didn't!” law made it through with an impressive 94% of th... Read More & Comments

93-hour standoff between DC Police, cat lady with trained pro-Obama cat army, ends 4/30/2012 4:32 PM Matt Rock - After nearly four days of a police siege on a Georgetown apartment building, a stand-off between law enforcement agents and 62 year old Edith Wallace, better known to DC area residents as “the cat lady,” has finally ended. Wallace and all of her 37 cats are now in... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin outraged by Obama's Correspondents Dinner remarks, says she's “tasty” 4/29/2012 8:45 PM Matt Rock - Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin lashed out earlier today against President Obama, who made a brief joke about John McCain's 2008 running mate at the White House Correspondents dinner on Saturday evening. The President asked what the difference was bet... Read More & Comments

Mayan apocalypse asteroid won't hit earth, signs book deal, reality TV contract instead 4/29/2012 10:40 AM Matt Rock - The massive asteroid that was set to destroy the Earth in December of this year, fulfilling the alleged Mayan prophesy of the apocalypse, has agreed to not wipe out the human race. The asteroid had recently offered to not hit the Earth on the condition that it rec... Read More & Comments

Mystery fart puts sour note on Correspondents Dinner pre-show brunch 4/28/2012 4:07 PM Matt Rock - A late-morning brunch hosted by media mogul Tammy Haddad ended abruptly earlier today, when a mysterious aroma drove away many of the guests, including famous Hollywood stars, politicians, and journalists. No one wanted to admit having smelt the pungent odor, most... Read More & Comments

Romney bothered by Obama's “slow-jamming the news,” says it “does not compute” 4/27/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney admits that he's been losing sleep over President Obama's recent visit to “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” wherein Obama joined Fallon and Black Thought (Tarik Trotter) of The Roots in a session of “slow-jamming the news,” a reoc... Read More & Comments

RNC admits the earth is round, that they like Romney and believe "this newfangled Facebook thing may be worth looking into" 4/27/2012 10:10 AM Alyson Durden - After being more than a year into the 2012 presidential campaign and after most of the other GOP presidential candidates have folded up shop, the Republican National Committee announced they will support Mitt Romney in his quest for the White House. They also endo... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin angry that Obama answered “gotcha question” about what he reads 4/26/2012 4:34 PM Matt Rock - Perennial Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who seems to be gobbling up as much press as she can in the hopes of scoring a spot on the Romney ticket, even though it'll obviously never, ever, happen, lashed out against President Obama today, criticizing his r... Read More & Comments

FBI on high alert, watching for mass suicides as rumors abound of Ron Paul dropping out 4/25/2012 8:14 PM Matt Rock - The Federal Bureau of Investigation issued a request to local and state law enforcement agencies throughout the United States earlier today, warning that rumors of GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul dropping out of the primary race may result in mass suicides “unl... Read More & Comments

Obama administration to put on “Next Top Secret Service Agent” reality show, contest 4/25/2012 9:30 AM Matt Rock - In the wake of a prostitution scandal involving eleven Secret Service agents, the Obama administration announced today that they'll be pushing for drastic new screening measures from Homeland Security, insisting that similar scandals “never happened” when the Secre... Read More & Comments

First criminal charges filed for gulf oil spill; 11-year old Lindsey Powell tasered, arrested 4/24/2012 3:12 PM Matt Rock - Justice is finally coming for the hundreds of thousands of people whose lives were negatively affected by the tragic BP oil spill two years ago, which devastated the gulf region and killed incalculable amounts of local and regional marine and avionic wildlife. The... Read More & Comments

Gingrich, Secret Service plan campaign stops in Vegas, Tijuana 4/23/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who holds second place in the GOP primary by a margin that makes it mathematically impossible for him to catch up to frontrunner Mitt Romney, announced earlier today that his campaign will be heading to Las Vegas later this week,... Read More & Comments

Secret Service scandal expands to involve mailmen, grandmother, newspaper boy 4/23/2012 10:02 AM Matt Rock - Numerous investigations into alleged misconduct involving prostitutes by the US Secret Service ahead of President Obama's trip to Colombia recently have resulted in countless resignations and firings, and as the scandal expands, some very unlikely players have emer... Read More & Comments

Victoria’s Secret reveals Victoria’s Secret Service Bra 4/22/2012 3:08 PM Floyd Harden - Victoria’s Secret has introduced a new bra inspired by the Secret Service agents who retained the not-so-secret services of hookers while making security arrangements for President Obama’s trip to Columbia. The new “Victoria’s Secret Service Bra” is designed to ne... Read More & Comments

Romney backer switches to Gingrich after dog poops in living room in protest 4/21/2012 8:14 PM Matt Rock - A prominent Romney supporter in Delaware announced yesterday that he is switching teams and endorsing underdog Newt Gingrich, even though Gingrich can't possibly win the primary. Kent County GOP chairman Hans Reigle explained on Friday that it wasn't policy or pro... Read More & Comments

People head to primaries in several States, hope other candidates will appear on ballots 4/21/2012 10:30 AM Matt Rock - Republican voters in five US States are heading out to primary polling stations on tuesday, despite Mitt Romney being declared the presumptive nominee, with his two remaining primary contenders, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul, lacking any sort of delegate math that cou... Read More & Comments

Critics blast phone hacking scandal coming to US, say it won't be as interesting as UK scandal 4/20/2012 3:12 PM Matt Rock - The nefarious British phone hacking scandal, where News Corp employees were spying on politicians and celebrities by hacking into cell phones, is reportedly coming to the United States, with the company's American holdings, like Fox News and the New York Post, comi... Read More & Comments

Obama calls technical support center, asks for help with unemployment numbers 4/19/2012 8:30 PM Matt Rock - Today, President Obama utilized a new service offered by the United Nations, which provides “technical support” for issues that world leaders might face during a typical work day. Obama decided to try the new service, not realizing just how complicated the call wo... Read More & Comments

Ted Nugent swears he isn't violent, guts a half-dead rabbit while discussing Gandhi 4/19/2012 9:30 AM Matt Rock - Ultra-conservative musician Ted Nugent defended himself again today against allegations that his comments during an NRA convention this weekend were threatening to President Obama. It was recently revealed that the Secret Service was investigating the one-hit-wond... Read More & Comments

Secret Service plays Ted Nugent album backwards, discovers his music is better that way 4/18/2012 3:29 PM Matt Rock - After having made threatening comments about President Obama this weekend and earning an investigation at the hands of the Secret Service, radical conservative Ted Nugent may have been inadvertently given some solid career advice.

We've uncovered very litt... Read More & Comments

Tupac “hologram” endorses President Obama 4/17/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Sunday night, rap fans at the Coachella festival in California were treated to – and creeped out by – a live performance by Tupac Shakur, a rapper that was gunned down in Las Vegas in 1996, only to then somehow release new albums persistently ever since. Shakur ap... Read More & Comments

Romney says “start packing” remark was gaffe, meant he's taking Obama on vacation 4/17/2012 9:44 AM Matt Rock - The GOP's presumptive nominee, Mitt Romney, who recently spoke with Diane Sawyer in an interview, has stated today that yet again, his “words have been twisted” and that his real intentions with a public comment he made have been taken out of context by the mainstr... Read More & Comments

Romney might ask Obama to be his running mate, sources claim 4/16/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney, whose campaign formally launched a VP search this past weekend, has reportedly asked his senior campaign staff to look into the possibility of President Barack Obama joining his ticket, noting that Obama plays extre... Read More & Comments

PTP interviews Ann Romney, learns about the struggles she had to overcome as a parent 4/15/2012 8:29 PM Matt Rock - Ann Romney, the wife of presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney, has been in the news quite a bit this week, after Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen stated on Wednesday that Romney had “never worked a day in her life.” We decided to close out the week by... Read More & Comments

Caterpillars ask to be kept out of presidential election 4/15/2012 10:50 AM Alyson Durden - The head of the American Caterpillar Association (ACA) called on both political parties to leave them out of the presidential election, unless they are willing to give caterpillars the right to vote, something their membership has been seeking for decades.

... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain wants to be VP, sets up exploratory committee 4/14/2012 3:13 PM Alyson Durden - Herman Cain announced this morning that he is putting together an exploratory committee to look into the possibility of him becoming the GOP's vice presidential candidate. The former presidential candidate appears to not understand that this is not something you c... Read More & Comments

North Korean spies kidnap Nicolas Cage, hope to keep missiles from flopping 4/13/2012 9:15 PM Matt Rock - Hollywood was left stunned and terrified today after American intelligence agencies confirmed to the world that film star Nicolas Cage has been captured by North Korean spies. Authorities claim that Cage was taken in North Korea, under the guise that a film studio... Read More & Comments

Shocking! US news media real force behind Santorum and Gingrich campaigns 4/13/2012 10:44 AM Alyson Durden - The major news networks were revealed to be the real funders for both Rick Santorum's and Newt Gingrich's campaign. Emails leaked to Politico show that they banded together in 2011 to pool their resources and fund the unlikely candidates to prolong the GOP primary... Read More & Comments

Allen West bumps head, thinks it's 1954 4/12/2012 4:01 PM Alyson Durden - Congressman Allen West (R-FL) suffered a concussion this week, and when he regained consciousness, he mistakenly thought the year was 1954, the year Senator Joe McCarthy held his infamous hearings aimed at purging all Communists from the US federal government. Exp... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin defends President Obama after Chuck Grassley's “stupid” comment 4/11/2012 8:46 PM Matt Rock - Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who is using every ounce of her energy to capitalize on her reemerging fame thanks to the HBO film “Game Change,” called together a press conference last night, a press conference that the media clamored to get seats fo... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney reacts to Santorum dropping out, asks former rival for help relating to humans 4/11/2012 10:35 AM Matt Rock - GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney held a press conference moments ago wherein he praised former primary rival Rick Santorum, who bowed out of the race yesterday afternoon, and encouraged him to join the Romney campaign as a senior-level advisor. Romney wore a sweater ve... Read More & Comments

Santorum drops out of race after catching two campaign staffers having sex 4/10/2012 3:16 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary contender Rick Santorum, delivering an address in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania in the hopes that PTP would make jokes about his delivering the Gettysburg Address, has dropped out of the race. The shocking news came less than one hour after Santorum reporte... Read More & Comments

Gingrich holds bake sale, “sperm drive” to alleviate $4.5 million debt 4/9/2012 8:30 PM Matt Rock - Embattled GOP primary candidate Newt Gingrich, who recently revealed on Fox News that his campaign has spent nearly $4.5 million more than they've actually raised, announced earlier this evening that his campaign staff will be hosting a bake sale and “sperm drive” ... Read More & Comments

Santorum counting delegates with aRickmetic 4/9/2012 9:35 AM Floyd Harden - Rick Santorum lashed out today at members of the Republican Party establishment who say Santorum has no chance of capturing the Republican nomination and should step aside so that Mitt Romney can turn his attention to winning the general election.

In a ph... Read More & Comments

Obama and GOP give Easter themed addresses 4/8/2012 4:05 PM Floyd Harden - President Obama delivered his weekly address yesterday, focusing on the Easter holiday and the role religion plays in America. By contrast, Republicans in their weekly message accused President Obama of being the Antichrist.

In his remarks, the President de... Read More & Comments

President Obama finds magic mirror, learns Mitt Romney can't beat him 4/7/2012 10:20 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama called presumptive GOP primary pick Mitt Romney earlier today, reportedly offering his condolences on having lost the general election... even before it had begun. The President's resounding confidence has been brought about by his discovery... Read More & Comments

Hundreds of apes filing class action suit against GOP, fed up with evolution debate 4/7/2012 10:01 AM Matt Rock - 418 chimps, guerillas, and other apes, from zoos and the homes of celebrities all throughout the United States, are planning to file a class action lawsuit against the GOP on Monday, citing slander, derogation, racism, and other defamatory acts that have insulted a... Read More & Comments

Michele Bachmann outraged by gas prices, oily barbarians 4/6/2012 3:35 PM Matt Rock - Minnesota Congresswoman and former GOP primary entrant Michele Bachmann, who is currently facing a serious campaign challenge that might cost her a seat in government, spoke out today against President Obama, insisting that he is the real reason why gas prices are ... Read More & Comments

President Obama gets “Timeline” for his Facebook, approval ratings drop by 12 points 4/5/2012 8:45 PM Matt Rock - President Obama suffered the biggest single-day loss in his approval ratings of his entire Presidency today, after he switched his Facebook account over to the new “Timeline” profile system. Analysts say he might gain back his approval rating, which dropped from 4... Read More & Comments

Ryan Gosling continues heroism streak, saves Mitt Romney from speaking gaffe 4/5/2012 10:08 AM Matt Rock - Movie star Ryan Gosling, who reportedly saved a British journalist yesterday from getting run over by a cab in New York City, continued his acts of heroism this morning after meeting Mitt Romney at a Manhattan restaurant. Romney, who started campaigning in New Yor... Read More & Comments

Santorum defends remarks about colleges not teaching history 4/4/2012 4:50 PM Matt Rock - Fading GOP star Rick Santorum, who falsely claimed on Monday while campaigning in Wisconsin that public colleges in California do not teach American history courses, came out in defense of himself today, claiming he should have elaborated himself better, which in t... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul meets a cheese danish in Wisconsin, changes his political views 4/3/2012 8:33 PM Matt Rock - Texas Congressman Ron Paul announced tonight that regardless of the primary results in Wisconsin, Maryland, and Washington DC, he plans on staying in the race. However, he's going to radically shift his campaign platform, citing advice he received from a somewhat-... Read More & Comments

Gingrich, Santorum wage war over winning Pennsylvania, Pennsyltucky 4/3/2012 11:53 AM Matt Rock - Though the Pennsylvania primary on April 24th is still several weeks away, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum is hoping to hold out for a big win, taking home all 72 delegates there. But while many are considering him to be a shoe-in, others are warning tha... Read More & Comments

Biden, Gingrich and Paul – the PTP interview 4/2/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Minutes after they appeared on Face the Nation yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul agreed to be interviewed for PTP’s new cell phone video news magazine, "Nobody’s Ever Going to See This - the Show with the Deceptive Title that Encourage... Read More & Comments

House Republicans accidently pass Buffet Rule 4/1/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden - The Republican controlled House of Representatives took an embarrassing and potentially costly misstep today when it voted in favor of the Buffet Rule. It was only after the legislation passed that Republicans realized they had voted to raise taxes on those making... Read More & Comments

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker joins a union, hopes to evade losing his job 4/1/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - After more than a year of protests, legal disputes, and extensive media coverage, Governor Scott Walker (R-WI) might be switching sides, after it was revealed that he plans on joining a “Gubernatorial Worker's Union” in the hopes of evading a recall election.
Read More & Comments

Keith Olbermann fired, negotiating new deal for a public access show 3/31/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Keith Olbermann, the famous liberal TV pundit who once hosted a show on MSNBC, but was fired, has been fired yet again by CurrentTV. CurrentTV's founders, former Vice President Al Gore and businessman Joel Hyatt, both described a rapidly-devolving relationship wit... Read More & Comments

Endorsementgate! 3/30/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden - PTP has learned that when Mitt Romney heard yesterday that he had been endorsed by former President George H. W. Bush, he immediately went into damage control mode, characterizing the endorsement as “phony” and insisting, “There was never a President Bush so whoeve... Read More & Comments

Newt to appear in A&E's "Intervention" 3/30/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Everyone seems to know that Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign is over, except for Newt himself. In perhaps the saddest announcement in what has been an excruciatingly sad year, the Arts and Entertainment (A&E) channel released its episode list for the upcoming... Read More & Comments

Oil companies fight back against Obama, defend their subsidies 3/29/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama spoke out against tax subsidies for Big Oil today, asking that Congress no longer reward oil companies that are taking in record profits as they also charge staggering prices at the pump. The speech was applauded by many on the left and even some o... Read More & Comments

Gingrich vows to stay in the race even as repo men take his microphone away 3/28/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich is refusing to abandon his presidential campaign, even after replacing his campaign manager, laying off one-third of his campaign staff, canceling his magazine subscriptions to “Jugs,” “Butts Weekly,” and “Threesomes Quarterly,” a... Read More & Comments

Obamacare protesters catch colds, switch sides 3/28/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Dozens of protesters in Washington DC, who stood outside in the freezing cold for hours yesterday to show their disapproval of the Health Care Reform Act that they've dubbed as “Obamacare,” have contracted colds, and will now be protesting in favor of the law, acco... Read More & Comments

Supreme Court Justices devolve into bickering, immaturity as they debate health care reform 3/27/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The US Supreme Court has been weighing today the constitutionality of the controversial health care mandate in the landmark Health Care Reform bill signed into law in 2010. And according to insiders, the debate has been just as heated in the Supreme Court building... Read More & Comments

Santorum goes on cursing bender after hostile response to NYT reporter 3/26/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary contender Rick Santorum, who touts himself as the most religious candidate in the 2012 presidential race and is famous for his holier-than-thou, look-I'm-in-a-sweater-vest behavior, has gone into a full-force bender of letting out curse words today, aft... Read More & Comments

Gingrich vows to continue campaign "no matter what happens in Wisconsin or anywhere else" 3/26/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Newt Gingrich issued a peculiar statement today saying that he plans to stay in the campaign regardless of how he performs in Wisconsin's April 3rd primary, or any other primary for that matter.

"All along I have said that my big brain is a laboratory for b... Read More & Comments

GOP outraged by Obama insulting his first car, a Ford Granada 3/25/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Republican presidential candidates and other top GOP figures are lashing out today after President Obama gave an interview to AAA, wherein he claimed that his first car – an old Ford Granada – “rattled and shook,” and didn't help him score with the ladies.

“... Read More & Comments

GOP candidates planning mean April Fool's prank on Ron Paul 3/24/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Reports are surfacing today that Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich are planning a foul, diabolical prank for April Fool's Day this year, with the target of their hijinx being their GOP primary rival, Texas Congressman Ron Paul. Sources in all three cam... Read More & Comments

Gingrich attempts to top Santorum's gaffe, admits he voted for Obama 3/24/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Not wanting to be outdone by Rick Santorum, who recently made a statement that sounded a lot like an endorsement of President Obama over Mitt Romney, saying that "we would be better off with what we have now than an `etch-a-sketch' candidate," Newt Gingrich shocked... Read More & Comments

Romney insists he was manufactured in Detroit after being targeted by birthers 3/23/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney is under fire from the right-wing again. Birthers, the fringe group that for years now has claimed President Obama is in office illegitimately because they think he was born in a different country, are now saying that Mitt Romne... Read More & Comments

Santorum shows America what he can do on an Etch A Sketch 3/22/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Responding to recent claims by a Romney campaign senior staffer that Romney is like an Etch A Sketch, with positions that can be shaken away in a general election, rival GOP presidential contender Rick Santorum has, after digging through boxes of his old childhood ... Read More & Comments

Santorum shocked that focus on 'fringe issues' isn't helping him more 3/22/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - In a rare candid moment on the campaign trail, Rick Santorum admitted that he assumed his insistence on focusing on what even he calls "fringe" issues is not winning over more voters.

"It's a pretty common and well used tactic for Republican presidential c... Read More & Comments

Newt Gingrich leaves his delegate math for younger, healthier math 3/21/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - In a stunning announcement, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has revealed his intentions to divorce his sickly, ailing delegate math, opting instead for younger delegate math that will make him more competitive with Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum.

“Look, my... Read More & Comments

Obama promises anything for votes 3/20/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden - President Obama’s campaign for re-election began in earnest last weekend when, after downing a pint of Guinness to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, the President got on the phone and began dialing random numbers in swing states, promising anyone who answered anything t... Read More & Comments

Congress proposing bill that would outlaw women from thinking, speaking, breathing 3/20/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A new bill is making its rounds in Congress that will take the contemporary culture war on women's issues to a whole new level. Titled “The Women Is Dumb Act of 2012,” the potential legislation is picking up steam in GOP circles, with Rick Santorum offering his fu... Read More & Comments

Romney touts his economic credentials 3/19/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Fresh off his victory in Puerto Rico, Mitt Romney made his strongest case yet for why he, not Rick Santorum, should be the Republican to face Barack Obama in the general election this fall. In an exclusive interview with PTP, an energized Romney had this to say: ... Read More & Comments

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