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Reporter blames DOJ, Obama after wife finds porn in web browser history

5/21/2013 8:37 PM Matt Rock - On Tuesday, CBS News reporter Sharyl Attkisson claimed that both her personal and work computers have been “compromised” for more than two years, which she links directly to the Department of Justice and the Obama Administration. And this afternoon, yet another reporter came forward, reporting potential cyber-crimes against him by the DOJ and the White House.

Sam Mercer, a domestic policy wonk and journalist with the Washington Post, claims that on Monday, links to nearly two-dozen pornographic websites were found in his Internet Explorer and Firefox browser histories by his wife, Angela Mercer, who was using his laptop to shop on Amazon. When she confronted him, Sam Mercer was shocked, and said “I don't know how that got there. Obama must've done it!”

On Tuesday morning, at the insistence of his wife, the couple went into Mercer's office, where they found even more pornography on his work computer, including nearly 1 GB of pornographic photographs and video files, organized into files labeled by breast size, hair color, and “skank level.”

“I can't believe our government would do something like this to my husband,” said a shaken Angela Mercer. “I just can't believe they'd load up both of his computers with porno like that. Have they no shame? Have they no decency? When will this administration start respecting American journalists? My husband is a good man. He would never look at pictures of 18 year-old lesbian girls lathering each other in whipped cream!”

Sam Mercer seemed equally distraught. “It was definitely Obama. Or Eric Holder. It definitely wasn't me. No way. Porn? Me? I'm a married man! We've been married for fifteen years! Why would a man married for fifteen years want to look at pornography? Icky!” Comments

Who is crazier, Amy or Jodi? Arizona can't decide 5/21/2013 3:22 PM Alyson Durden - A new poll out today showed that Arizonans aren't sure who they hate more, Jodi Arias or Amy Bouzaglo. Jodi Arias was recently found guilty of brutally murdering her ex-boyfriend, Travis Alexander. Amy Bouzaglo owns a restaurant in Scottsdale, Arizona that was fe... Read More & Comments

Obama receives honorary degree; conservatives demand transcripts 5/20/2013 8:28 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama delivered the commencement address yesterday at Morehouse College, the legendary all-male, historically black institution from which Martin Luther King, Jr graduated. Shortly after his impressive speech, Obama was given an honorary law docto... Read More & Comments

Obama's approval rating unscathed; PTP asks Americans how they feel about scandals 5/20/2013 10:46 AM Matt Rock - The Obama Administration has been plagued by scandal after scandal lately, but new polls show that the president's approval rating hasn't been negatively impacted by so much as a scratch or a dent. Puzzled by this, we hit the streets of Washington DC to ask regula... Read More & Comments

SCANDAL! Fox News reveals Obama is father of Beyonce's new baby 5/18/2013 9:12 PM Matt Rock - The Obama administration has found itself embroiled in scandal after scandal recently. But the Benghazi conspiracy theories, the Associated Press subpoenas, and the IRS Tea Party scandals are all about to be completely forgotten, as a new, bigger scandal clamors t... Read More & Comments

Banks say they aren't loosening standards again, offer loans to calm fears 5/18/2013 11:29 AM Matt Rock - Some financial analysts have expressed concerns recently that a number of banks are starting to return to the old, dirty habits that caused the great recession, with shoddy lending practices and questionable, lowered standards that could reverse the economy's slow-... Read More & Comments

The scandals are growing and the champagne is flowing over at the RNC 5/17/2013 5:19 PM Alyson Durden - This has been a banner week for the Republican National Committee (RNC), and they are partying like its 1959. All liquor stores in the area have sold all of their champagne to the RNC and the orders keep coming in.

"We cannot keep up with their orders. We h... Read More & Comments

He's back! John Edwards announces he's returning to public life 5/16/2013 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - Watching Mark Sandford (R-SC) being sworn in as the newest member of the House of Representatives gave former Senator and presidential candidate John Edwards (D-NC) an idea or two. He is planning a comeback, though he apparently is unsure what office he will run fo... Read More & Comments

The Kardashian connection to Benghazi: what did they know and when did they know it? 5/15/2013 8:36 PM Alyson Durden - While the incident in Benghazi was not caused by an American anti-Muslim video, it may have been related to American media. Apparently, Kim, Kloé, and Kourtney Kardashian were planning a new spinoff, "Kim, Khloé and Kourtney take Benghazi," and it was not going ov... Read More & Comments

IRS scandal plot thickens! Mitt Romney suing after 400% tax increase 5/15/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The IRS found itself in hot water recently, after acknowledging they heavily scrutinized conservative groups with the phrases “tea party” and “patriot” in their names during the 2012 election period. And today, the story took another turn for the worse, after it w... Read More & Comments

Russia sending missiles to Cuba again after deporting alleged CIA spy 5/14/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - US Diplomat Ryan Fogle was arrested in Russia today after Russian Foreign Ministry officials accused him of spying for the CIA. Fogle was handed over to the US Embassy in Moscow and declared persona non grata, whereupon he was ordered to leave the country immediat... Read More & Comments

President Obama's drug problem exposed! (PTP takes a stab at paparazzi writing) 5/13/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The big office upstairs has reported down to PTP's editorial staff that we need to feature more celebrity, gossip-related stories on Pardon the Pundit, but do so with a “political edge.” We were confused by this strange order, seeing as how we're a super-serious p... Read More & Comments

Tea Party officials react to news that IRS targeted conservative groups in 2012 election 5/13/2013 8:13 AM Matt Rock - Lois Lerner, head of the Internal Revenue Service's Exempt Organizations Division, publicly apologized on Friday for the targeting of conservative groups during the 2012 election, adding scrutiny to any organization with the phrases “tea party” or “patriot” in thei... Read More & Comments

Politicians celebrate mother's day discussing how they've helped their mom constituents 5/12/2013 5:09 PM Matt Rock - Politicians, both Democrats and Republicans alike, often tell us they legislate the way they do because they want to help moms. So the staff here at PTP thought it'd be fitting to ask Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor -- neith... Read More & Comments

Congress reacts to CO2 milestone, promises green initiative by year 4978 5/11/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, better known as “NOAA,” recently announced that on May 9th, atmospheric concentrations of carbon dioxide have surpassed 400 parts per million for the first time in all of human history, marking a dreadful, deadly... Read More & Comments

Dozens of vegans return to eating meat after Whole Foods screw-up 5/10/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Whole Foods Market Inc. revealed on Thursday that an error on their part led to labels getting swapped on real chicken salad and vegan, imitation chicken salad. The mistaken foods were sold in fifteen stores in Connecticut, Main, Massachusetts, New Jersey, and New... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry takes Obama to dinner, secedes from paying the bill 5/9/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama is visiting Texas today, the first stop on a cross-country tour to promote his new job growth agenda. Texas Governor Rick Perry greeted the president on the tarmac shortly after Air Force One landed, after which Perry cordially invited the p... Read More & Comments

FBI “wiretaps” PTP writer's internet to see what new laws might be like for citizens 5/9/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The Obama Administration is on the cusp of backing an FBI plan to radically adjust domestic surveillance laws in the United States, making it legal for law enforcement agencies to wiretap internet usage and web browsing behavior. To learn more about how this might... Read More & Comments

In victory speech, Mark Sanford promises S. Carolina he won't cheat with N. Carolina 5/8/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who found himself caught up in an extramarital affair back in 2009 involving an Argentinian woman he's currently married to, managed to narrowly defeat Elizabeth Colbert Busch -- the older sister of famed political satir... Read More & Comments

Giant talking fish says “nothing to worry about” after Palisades nuclear plant leak 5/7/2013 8:56 PM Matt Rock - A giant 6-foot tall talking fish, walking on what appeared to be fins that had somehow mutated into legs, uncomfortably waddled out before a gaggle of reporters today to address growing concerns over a nuclear power plan spill, and subsequent plant shutdown, in sou... Read More & Comments

New Obama movie in the works, according to Hollywood execs 5/7/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - At the recent White House Press Correspondents' Dinner, President Obama showed a comedic clip starring Stephen Spielberg, Tracy Morgan, and the president himself, where he said he was being played by Daniel Day Lewis in a new movie about him. Obama played the role... Read More & Comments

White House unveils new plan to create jobs in DC by eliminating Congress 5/6/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - On Monday morning, President Barack Obama took to the White House Rose Garden to promote his newest plan to create jobs -- 535 of them, to be exact -- in the Washington DC area... by using constitutional loopholes to fire everyone in the House and Senate, replacing... Read More & Comments

City of Atlanta on lockdown as authorities hunt down CNN's rogue news robot 5/5/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The city of Atlanta, Georgia is on lockdown today, with police, fire, FBI, NASA, and National Guard units hunting exhaustively for a dangerous killer robot unleashed on the world by cable news network CNN, which is headquartered in the city. Authorities are warnin... Read More & Comments

Database of suspected terrorists on the rise as more people see “Harlem Shake” videos 5/5/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - An unidentified US official told Reuters this week that the number of names on a classified central database of suspected terrorists has skyrocketed in the past five years, from 540,000 potential terrorists to 875,000. State Department, Pentagon, FBI, and CIA sour... Read More & Comments

CNN devotes hours of air time to Star Trek show, films during Star Wars holiday 5/4/2013 3:53 PM Matt Rock - May 4th is known around the world as an unofficial “Star Wars” holiday, thanks to the similarity between the date and a popular phrase from the films (“May the fourth be with you”). But while millions celebrate the films and their legacy, troubled news network CNN... Read More & Comments

Shortly after outlawing Obamacare, South Carolina makes being Barack Obama a crime 5/3/2013 9:00 PM Matt Rock - On Wednesday, South Carolina's State House passed a bill that declares President Barack Obama's signature health care legislation, the Affordable Care Act (known colloquially as “Obamacare”), “null and void,” while also making its implementation in the state a crim... Read More & Comments

Scientists excited about new bill that would put politics into science 5/3/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Draft legislation authored by House Science Committee Chairman Lamar Smith (R-TX) would subject the National Science Foundation's peer review process to politics, contradicting scientific method and putting a huge damper on the agencies research progress. But toda... Read More & Comments

GOP backs dem candidate after republican congressman holds door open for Obama 5/2/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - On Tuesday, Senator Pat Toomey (R-PA) said in an interview with Digital First Media that a recent bipartisan effort to expand on national background checks failed because many of his fellow republicans didn't want to “be seen helping the president.” And today, an ... Read More & Comments

Congress pushes to “save a fortune” after disturbing ground turkey study 5/1/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A bipartisan group of House members is authoring a bill this week that aims to cut costs on providing free school lunches to public school students around the nation, after a new study from Consumer Reports indicated that more than 50% of samples of ground turkey i... Read More & Comments

PTP reveals why Congress has lacked productivity for several years 5/1/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Congress is Washington DC's perpetual whipping boy, and never before has this been more true than in the past several years. The 112th congress had maintained the lowest approval ratings in history... only to then be trumped in low numbers by the 113th congress. ... Read More & Comments

Obama's shocking new cabinet pick “can't be blocked by congress,” sources say 4/30/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama has had a challenging time with his most recent cabinet appointments, with congress doing everything in their power to prevent his top picks from assuming their offices. But according to numerous sources in the White House as well as in congress, O... Read More & Comments

Obama launches Kickstarter campaign to end deficit woes 4/29/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama announced today a new plan to end the nation's debt problems once and for all, by using the popular crowd-sourcing website “Kickstarter” to raise the trillions of dollars needed to put the country back in the black.

White House sources... Read More & Comments

Congress to invade the Pentagon with Abrams tanks if they don't agree to take them 4/29/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Congress is planning a full-on military assault on the Pentagon, to take place sometime next week, in response to military officials repeatedly refusing to accept half a billion dollars in new funding for tanks. Hundreds of House and Senate members will load up in... Read More & Comments

Feds confident in ricin arrest, but will arrest eleven more people just to be sure 4/28/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - On Saturday, Federal agents arrested a Mississippi man as a part of their ongoing investigation into a series of ricin-laced letters sent to President Obama and two other high-profile political figures, after having previously arrested the wrong man. But this time... Read More & Comments

Michele Bachmann defends “Hamlet” quote during dizzying interview 4/27/2013 8:16 PM Matt Rock - Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) committed yet another of her seemingly endless line of verbal flubs on Friday when speaking on the House floor, trying to quote Shakespeare's play “Hamlet” by reciting the line “thou protesteth too much,” an apparent attempt at saying t... Read More & Comments

Senate passes new bill to stop “Game of Thrones” online piracy 4/27/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - US Ambassador to Australia Jeffrey Bleich recently made a Facebook post in which he attempted to combat Australia's huge trend of illegally downloading the smash hit HBO series “Game of Thrones,” comparing the country's rampant piracy to the numerous, winding plot-... Read More & Comments

Congress excited for end of FAA furloughs, looking forward to vacations 4/26/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - On Friday, the House passed a bill that funds the FAA to avoid furloughs, just ahead of a week-long vacation they'll be taking. We talked with a few members of Congress to hear what they might have to say about the controversy of their apparent combating the seque... Read More & Comments

Guantanamo Bay officials to bring in Five Guys burgers to stop hunger strike 4/25/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - On Thursday, 94 detainees at Guantanamo Bay have officially joined a hunger strike, protesting their indefinite detention and conditions in the American military prison in Cuba. But many believe the hunger strike is due to end soon, after Pentagon officials came u... Read More & Comments

Mark Sanford plans vacation from campaign, will take cardboard Pelosi on trip 4/25/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford announced today that in June, he'll be going on a brief three-day vacation to get away from the stresses of his current congressional campaign. And joining him on his trip? A cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi, which he u... Read More & Comments

Feds continuously arrest wrong people in hunt for ricin suspect 4/24/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - As of this article's publishing, no fewer than fifty Americans and thirty foreigners have been arrested by federal law enforcement agents, only to later be cleared of all charges and released, in relation to a series of ricin-laced letters that were sent to Preside... Read More & Comments

GOP “deeply saddened” by Max Baucus' retirement 4/23/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The Washington Post reported today that Max Baucus will retire from public office at the end of his current term, and not seek reelection. The 72 year-old Montana Democrat's retirement has shaken the Republican party to the core, as GOP lawmakers bid farewell to a... Read More & Comments

PTP compiles a timeline of Cher's music career ahead of her new album 4/23/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - For the first time in twelve years, Cher is releasing a new album. To celebrate the musician's return to the studio, PTP's researchers have painstakingly assembled a timeline of the major milestones of her music career, from her first live performance straight thr... Read More & Comments

PTP asks people on the street why they care less about the environment 4/22/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A poll from Huffington Post and YouGov shows that fewer Americans consider environmental issues important in 2013 than they did in 1971, the year after Earth Day was established. To figure out why, PTP hit the streets in and around Washington DC today to ask regul... Read More & Comments

Bill Clinton earns big GLAAD award, immediately stirs controversy 4/21/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former President Bill Clinton received a high honor on Saturday at the 24th annual GLAAD Media Awards in Los Angeles. GLAAD (the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) offered him an award for being an “advocate for change.” But just a few hours later, Clin... Read More & Comments

Cocaine user defends drug's use before, during financial crisis 4/20/2013 8:19 PM Matt Rock - CNBC reported this week that the great recession may have been caused by numerous bankers and Wall Street executives using cocaine, according to a British professor of neuropsychopharmacology (yes, that's a real word). To find out if there was any merit to this st... Read More & Comments

Jeb Bush announces he'll run in 2016... from the country 4/20/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced today that he intends to run in 2016, but not in the presidential election. Instead, he's going to run from America, “as fast as my legs can move and as far as they're willing to carry me,” after his brother, former Presi... Read More & Comments

News media confident they can now pronounce “Dzhokhar Tsarnaev” 4/19/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - After nearly 15 hours of non-stop breaking news coverage of the hunt for surviving Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar A. Tsarnaev, numerous media sources are now reporting that journalists have finally figured out how to pronounce the wanted man's name correc... Read More & Comments

NASA official refutes rumors CNN staff could be sent to new planets 4/18/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - An anonymous NASA official revealed some heartbreaking news to the American public today; despite rumors the American space agency could send CNN's staff to a different planet so people on Earth no longer have to put up with them, NASA sadly “doesn't have the fundi... Read More & Comments

Chick fil-A sparks anger with “Chick fil-Gay” segregated restaurants 4/18/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Chick fil-A has struggled to “appeal to the crucial millennial market,” according to USA Today's Bruce Horovitz, as a result of President Dan Cathy's controversial, homophobic comments regarding marriage equality last year. This week, the chicken-focused restauran... Read More & Comments

Lawmaker's bumper sticker prompts NRA to begin "fetuses deserve guns, too" campaign 4/17/2013 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - Congressman Steve Stockman's (R-TX) new reelection campaign bumper sticker has prompted shock and outrage by many and an interesting response; the National Rifle Association (NRA) wants to arm fetuses. The bumper sticker in question reads, "If babies had guns, they... Read More & Comments

Rubio to go on "Jersey Shore" Vinny's talk show 4/16/2013 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - While he couldn't do it on Sunday, where Senator Marco Rubio did a whopping 95 television interviews to gain support for him immigration plan, he does plan to go on Vinny Guadagnino's new talk show, "The Show with Vinny." It doesn't make its debut until May, but Ru... Read More & Comments

Santorum may leave hospital soon; doctors have nearly pulled his head from his ass 4/15/2013 8:41 PM Matt Rock - Former Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) was hospitalized over the weekend in South Carolina, but according to numerous sources, he should be returning to his regular schedule of pretending to not be campaigning for 2016 sometime this week, after a huge surgical operati... Read More & Comments

Mattel cancels “Real American Barbie” after doll wouldn't fit inside packaging 4/15/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - After the website Rehabs.com recently released a series of graphics depicting how unrealistic the famous “Barbie” doll is, Mattel announced they would create a more realistic, lifelike “Real American Barbie,” to help improve girls' self images. But after a weekend... Read More & Comments

Huffington Post fires 68 staffers after missing a “nip-slip” 4/14/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Arianna Huffington's left-leaning website The Huffington Post endured a very serious shakeup today. The wealthy media mogul ordered the firings of 68 members of the “HuffPo” staff this afternoon, after the website failed to report on a female celebrity flashing one... Read More & Comments

Kim Jong Un announces that North Korea now has a “squadron of dragons” 4/13/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - North Korean leader Kim Jong Un announced today that not only is he still planning on launching a nuclear attack against America, but he has now acquired three real-life dragons which he'll be using to quote, “finish off any Americans our super-long range nuclear m... Read More & Comments

Radio pundit Bill Rushbeck makes comparison between gay rights activists and Nazis 4/13/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - On Wednesday, a Christian conservative radio host named Janet Mefferd claimed that she foresees a future where Americans who are against gay marriage might be forced to wear “a badge of shame” to identify them, “kind of like the Jews in Nazi Germany.” Another radi... Read More & Comments

Controversial bumper sticker gets huge support from children's pro-gun super PAC 4/12/2013 3:08 PM Matt Rock - Rep. Steve Stockman (R-TX) sparked a big controversy on Friday after debuting a new campaign bumper sticker that reads “If babies had guns they wouldn't be aborted.” But while gun control and women's rights activists have lambasted Stockman's sticker, one group h... Read More & Comments

Facebook scaring government into negative tax rate, sources say 4/11/2013 9:55 PM Matt Rock - According to a new report issued Thursday by the Center for Tax Justice, Facebook Inc. paid a negative 40.4% tax rate in 2012, meaning they got a $429 million rebate from the government instead of actually paying anything.

We thought the CTJ's study must b... Read More & Comments

Kim Jong Un hears about memes, says he's aiming nukes at Facebook headquarters 4/11/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - North Korean leader Kim Jong Un announced today that after discovering he's the laughing stock of the western world, and the source of a seemingly infinite number of jokes on the Internet, Pyongyang is planning to launch “the biggest attack known to mankind” agains... Read More & Comments

Congress holds vote to determine what they'll do with Obama budget 4/10/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama sent his controversial $3.8 trillion “grand bargain” budget to Congress today, a spending plan that has angered both Republicans, who hate the tax hikes on the wealthy, and Democrats, who dislike the cuts to popular entitlement programs. And... Read More & Comments

Rick Santorum helped out by gay men picking up female friend from abortion 4/9/2013 8:35 PM Matt Rock - Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum has been a firebrand opponent of both marriage equality and abortion for many years, but earlier this evening, a roadside emergency and its shocking resolution may have finally shown Santorum the error of his ways. Well, p... Read More & Comments

Hackers convince Westboro Baptists to deport themselves to North Korea 4/9/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - In probably the greatest contemporary example of killing two birds with one stone, a group of hackers have managed to convince members of the nefarious Westboro Baptist Church to deport themselves to North Korea, with a mass email designed to convince the brainwash... Read More & Comments

WikiLeaks releases data on Obama's cigarette habits from 2007 to today 4/8/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The media has made a big deal of WikiLeaks' announcement today that they've released more than 1.7 million US diplomatic documents, including “the Kissinger Cables,” comprised of nearly 206,000 records related to former US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.
<... Read More & Comments

North Korean missile test delayed after 92 soldiers pull muscles in their backs 4/7/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - North Korean officials revealed on state television today that a new long-range missile they were hoping to test on Wednesday will not be fired on schedule, after 92 of the 127 soldiers suffered mild and moderate back injuries during a “dry run” last evening.
Read More & Comments

Politicians vow to support establishing a State religion if polling data improves 4/7/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - As you've probably seen in the news lately, swarms of politicians have recently endorsed gay marriage, a move that comes on the heels of polling data that shows a majority of Americans now support marriage equality. And today, a number of politicians have promised... Read More & Comments

New marijuana legalization super PAC gets huge donations, blows funds on snacks 4/6/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - This week, two brothers in Eugene, Oregon created a new pro-legalization organization called the “Legalize Marijuana Super PAC.” The PAC has taken in over $2 million in donations since news media outlets started reporting on their efforts, but today, the Super PAC... Read More & Comments

NFL lands in huge controversy after discouraging gay players from coming out 4/5/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - After former Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo, who has been a staunch supporter of marriage equality, recently told the Baltimore Sun that four NFL players are considering coming out as homosexuals on the same day in the near future, The NFL fired bac... Read More & Comments

Monsanto scandal worsens after Iowa town builds “X-Mansion” 4/4/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The multinational agricultural biotech firm Monsanto has been making headlines for decades with an insanely lengthy list of controversies, most notably related to genetically-modified seeds and pesticides. They recently landed some legislation to protect them from... Read More & Comments

EXCLUSIVE! George W. Bush Presidential Library book inventory revealed! 4/3/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former President George W. Bush's Presidential Library in Dallas, Texas is set to open to the public on May 1st of this year. The media has been quick to point out that the library will boast over 43,000 artifacts from Bush's presidency, and will house more than 2... Read More & Comments

LEGO racism scandal thickens as company pulls more products deemed to be offensive 4/3/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Sometime this year, LEGO will be pulling their “Star Wars” inspired Jabba the Hutt play set from store shelves, an apparent response to recent accusations of racism, with some claiming the toy resembles a Muslim mosque and a minaret. And this morning, the company ... Read More & Comments

Politicians arrested in NYC mayoral rigging scandal inspired after drinking lots of soda 4/2/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Prominent New York City politicians Dan Halloran and Malcolm Smith were arrested Tuesday morning, after an FBI sting operation revealed the two men and four others were working toward rigging this year's mayoral race in the city. But shortly after their arrest, PT... Read More & Comments

Kim Jong Un reveals groundbreaking North Korean technology on State TV program 4/1/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - With tensions between the United States and North Korea at a boil, and with the US sending stealth bombers and fighters to South Korea to participate in war games seemingly designed to make Pyongyang back down from their recent verbal aggressions, North Korean lead... Read More & Comments

PTP abandoning political satire forever, will only report real, actual news from now on 4/1/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Dear Readers:

After several weeks of careful consideration, the team here at Pardon the Pundit has decided to abandon our years of work in the field of political satire in lieu of reporting real, actual news. From this moment forward, every bit of news you ... Read More & Comments

Lobbyists cancel secret tradition after non-political family finds million dollar Easter egg 3/31/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Since 1917, a group of DC lobbyists have held a special, top secret Easter egg hunt in Washington DC, exclusive only to select Capitol Hill politicians and their families. The lobbyists hide a small golden egg somewhere in the DC metro area, and the politician who... Read More & Comments

Facebook profile images return to normal now that everyone has equal right to marriage 3/30/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - This week, Facebook transformed into a sea of red and pink as millions of the social network's users changed their profile images in support of gay marriage. But tens of thousands of people have already reverted their pictures back to normal, which proves scientif... Read More & Comments

GOP planning to end lavish lifestyle of Obama family with new bill 3/30/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama has taken more criticism for the lifestyle granted to him by his office than any other president in history, even moreso than John Adams, the first president to occupy the White House. Republicans believe Obama has been irresponsible with ta... Read More & Comments

Kim Jong Un confident he can defeat USA after playing “Civilization” video game 3/29/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - North Korean leader Kim Jong Un announced earlier today that after more than 40 cumulative hours of “high-tech research” while playing the popular PC game “Civilization V,” he is certain beyond a reason of doubt that he has the tactical wherewithal and general lead... Read More & Comments

Walmart names controversial customer-to-customer delivery service “People of Walmart” 3/28/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Reuters reported Thursday morning that American retail giant Walmart is considering a new crowd-sourcing project where they would have in-store customers deliver local packages to online shoppers, in exchange for discounts on their shopping bills. The new plan was... Read More & Comments

Supreme Court ruling on drug-sniffing dogs may hurt doggie rehab facilities 3/28/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - While most Americans were only paying attention to the Supreme Court's hearings on California's Proposition 8 yesterday, the nation's highest court also ruled on the constitutionality of the use of drug-sniffing police dogs, deciding they may not be used without fi... Read More & Comments

Congress disapproves of “equality” sign on Facebook; says it reminds citizens of math 3/27/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - If you have an account on the popular social networking site Facebook, then chances are you've seen red and pink “equal” signs popping up as peoples' profile images for the past day or so. In case you've been wondering what it means, the logo is meant to show that... Read More & Comments

Kirk Cameron hospitalized after attempt to produce “tens of thousands of Kirk Camerons” 3/26/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Last week, Liberty University's Chancellor Jerry Falwell Jr. announced to the world that he had hopes of “trying to create tens of thousands of Kirk Camerons and put them out there,” through a planned propaganda motion picture starring Cameron which would try to an... Read More & Comments

Government “strongly considering” replacing postal service with drones 3/26/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Matternet, a company founded in 2011 by Paola Santana, a former Dominican lawyer, aims to replace the world's aging human-labor postal services with drones, who would deliver mail and packages more cheaply and more efficiently than humans ever could. And this week... Read More & Comments

Intergalactic Federation also investigating Bachmann's 2012 campaign 3/25/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Intergalactic Federation of Free Planets announced this morning that they'll be launching a full investigation into the 2012 presidential campaign of Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN), amid concerns that her campaign violated space law. This investigation ... Read More & Comments

Fox News issues “Order 66” after Tea Party begins second boycott of network 3/24/2013 9:43 PM Matt Rock - Highly critical of what they perceive to be Fox News turning to the center (or worse, to the left) in the wake of the 2012 election, elements of the Tea Party boycotted the conservative news network from Thursday morning through Sunday morning, their second boycott... Read More & Comments

Birthday party for Obamacare gets messy thanks to exploding cake sent by GOP 3/24/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Last evening, a party held at the White House to mark the third anniversary of the Affordable Care Act, aka “Obamacare,” ended prematurely when a large cake exploded in the East Room, dousing partygoers in sugary deliciousness. No one was hurt in the blast, though... Read More & Comments

Senate budget stolen, modified while senators leave for Spring Break 3/23/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Early this morning, the Senate passed a Democratic $3.7 trillion budget for next year, managing to approve it by an incredibly thin margin of 50 to 49 votes. But moments after passing their budget, Senate Democrats left for Spring Break, and by noon today, their b... Read More & Comments

Billionaire offers Michele Bachmann $50 million to not speak for duration of year 3/22/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann's controversial statements on the House floor on Thursday, in which she said the Affordable Care Act, aka “Obamacare,” needed to be repealed before it “literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens,” may not b... Read More & Comments

Another scandal! Obama fails to use Oxford comma in letter to citizen 5/21/2013 10:24 AM Matt Rock - The Obama administration can't afford another scandal, but President Obama has managed to stir one up regardless. In a letter sent to Sally Whitfield, 42, of Atlanta, Georgia, Obama wrote a sentence that didn't use an Oxford comma where one should have been placed... Read More & Comments

He's a Belieber! Obama picks Justin Bieber to head up the IRS 5/20/2013 5:02 PM Alyson Durden - With scandals falling like rain on the White House, President Obama went with an unconventional choice to be the next Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) : Justin Bieber. The president apparently made the decision after spending time with his daught... Read More & Comments

What's Obama's connection to Amy's Baking Company? 5/19/2013 9:53 AM Alyson Durden - In the wake of last week's Kitchen Nightmares season finale, which featured the Scottsdale, Arizona bistro "Amy's Baking Company" and the social media firestorm it kicked off, some on the right are asking "What connection does President Obama have to the troubled r... Read More & Comments

Nixon's ghost appears, gives press conference 5/18/2013 3:37 PM Alyson Durden - It's a little known fact that, like Beetlejuice, if the people inside the Beltway call someone or something "Nixonian" more than 1,000 times, his ghost will manifest itself to give a press conference. That threshold was met yesterday when Congressman Darrell Issa ... Read More & Comments

Anthony Weiner's new campaign video detailed by PTP! 5/17/2013 8:50 PM Matt Rock - On Thursday, NBC New York caught disgraced former Congressman and potential New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner sitting on the stoop in front of his childhood home in Park Slope, alongside his wife, Huma Abedin, with a filming production crew shooting th... Read More & Comments

GOP outraged that media briefly mentioned recent positive stories regarding Obama 5/16/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The Republican Party is outraged at the mainstream media, and might even pass down a gag order on republicans in the House and Senate from doing interviews with anyone outside of Fox News, after a few news organizations reported this week that there has been good n... Read More & Comments

GOP movement to get rid of IRS, taxes picking up steam 5/16/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - In the past thirty or forty years, the Republican party has fought tooth and nail against any form of taxation, to the point where these days, some conservatives go so far as to say nothing should be taxed whatsoever. And this week, the GOP is planning on an even ... Read More & Comments

Michele Bachmann begins work on “anti-barbarian” battlements at Minnesota home 5/15/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) announced today that in light of Minnesota's recent legalization of gay marriage, she will be constructing defensive structures on the property of her home in the hopes of, quote, “keeping the gay barbarian hordes off my property and aw... Read More & Comments

Palin responds to senate race poll, says she'd love to be President of Alaska again 5/14/2013 9:09 PM Matt Rock - A recent poll shows that former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin would narrowly beat out Senator Mark Begich (D-Alaska) in a 2014 midterm race if she were to run. Palin hasn't publicly commented yet on whether or not she'd consider running for the Senate... u... Read More & Comments

Issa and Ryan are in a vampire cult together, plan more hearings on Benghazi 5/14/2013 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Congressmen Darrell Issa (R-CA) and Paul Ryan (R-WI) are officially in a vampire cult and this is the real reason for the hearings on Benghazi. It has been long known that Ryan is a vampire and it was only suspected that Issa is really Count Chocula, but that was ... Read More & Comments

CNN changes slogan from "This is CNN" to "This is News Porn" 5/13/2013 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - In an effort to be more transparent in their goals, Cable News Network (CNN) announced today that it is changing its famous slogan to more accurately describe what they do.

Citing the recent coverage of both the Jodi Arias trial and the Cleveland kidnapping... Read More & Comments

PTP looks back at all the impeachments related to US embassy attacks 5/12/2013 8:06 PM Matt Rock - Republicans in the House and Senate have recently been murmuring over possible impeachment proceedings, as the inquisition intensifies over President Barack Obama's involvement in a supposed cover-up of the September 11th, 2012 US Embassy attack in Benghazi, Libya,... Read More & Comments

Facebook announces “Facebook Premium” As high-profile backers drop out of group 5/12/2013 10:18 AM Matt Rock - Mark Zuckerberg's immigration advocacy group has lost a few high-profile wealthy backers recently, including Elon Musk and David Sacks. The news seems to threaten Zuckerberg's group, but Zuckerberg himself has come up with a solution to the issue.

“You know... Read More & Comments

New Zealand considering invasion of North Korea, sources say 5/11/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The tiny South Pacific island nation of New Zealand is believed to be drawing up plans for a full-scale invasion of North Korea, probably taking place sometime in the next two or three weeks. Sources in New Zealand's government -- four drunk guys and a goat named ... Read More & Comments

GOP finds evidence Hillary Clinton covered up, and ordered, Benghazi attacks 5/10/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The GOP has had their sights set on Hillary Clinton for several months, pushing the theory that the former Secretary of State and obvious frontrunner for 2016 covered up a conspiracy to hide the truth about a deadly attack in Benghazi, Libya on September 11th, 2012... Read More & Comments

Republicans consider subpoena for Hillary Clinton in relentless 2016 quest 5/9/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Former Vice President Dick Cheney suggested on Thursday that the GOP should subpoena former Secretary of State over the Republican-developed conspiracy regarding the deadly Benghazi attack on September 11th, 2012. And in the hours since Cheney made his recommendat... Read More & Comments

Limbaugh could stay with radio network if he agrees to spam people about Bing Toolbar 5/8/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Rush Limbaugh has had an ongoing dispute with the Cumulus Radio Network, which broadcasts his show. CEO Lew Dickey has repeatedly asserted that Limbaugh has crushed the network's ad sales, offending Limbaugh to the point where he has publicly considered leaving th... Read More & Comments

North Korea launches “cyber attack” by posting comments on YouTube 5/8/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - On Tuesday, North Korea officially launched what they billed as “the largest cyber attack in the history of Asia” on the United States, with plans for repeated attacks all throughout the week. However, Pentagon officials say there's nothing to worry about with the... Read More & Comments

Huffington Post launches HuffPost Japan, combining tech, news, and porn in one site 5/7/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Huffington Post officially launched “Huffington Post Japan” today, a new regional branch of their website which focuses on delivering new content to the people of the Land of the Rising Sun. We spoke with site owner and founder Arianna Huffington today, to lea... Read More & Comments

Chris Christie facing lawsuit after “cruel and unusual” killing of spider 5/6/2013 8:48 PM Matt Rock - On Friday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie killed a desk that crawed onto his desk while he was speaking with a group of school children. The story made some comedic headlines this weekend, and drew the typical ire from PETA, but today, Christie isn't laughing.... Read More & Comments

New poll shows Americans trust Casey Anthony more than congress 5/6/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A new PTP/ PPP/ Reuters/ Gallop poll compiled this morning shows that a large majority of Americans would rather trust Casey Anthony as a babysitter for their own children than they'd trust congress to run the country. The stunning data doesn't bode well for the 1... Read More & Comments

NRA books scientist to explain Wayne LaPierre's most recent controversial statement 5/5/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - On Saturday, NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre found himself in the midst of yet another of his legendary controversies, after asking “how many Bostonians wished they had a gun two weeks ago?” And today, the NRA has hired a ballistics scientist to try an... Read More & Comments

Dick Cheney “Force-chokes” reporter for asking Darth Vader questions in rare interview 5/4/2013 10:34 PM Matt Rock - Former Vice President Dick Cheney was spotted in Wyoming today by a local newspaper reporter, who immediately raced over to ask him a few questions. Cheney, who typically only leaves his underground lair on the Equinox and when his stocks of virgin blood are runni... Read More & Comments

May the fourth be with you! Congress adjusts sequester for “Star Wars” holiday 5/4/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - May 4th is celebrated by millions of “Star Wars” fans around the globe, and the United States Congress is no different. But sequester cuts had threatened to limit or even cancel Congress' plans to celebrate the beloved science fiction franchise... until today.
... Read More & Comments

Rhode Island legalizes gay marriage after “Tim,” RI resident, comes out of the closet 5/3/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - It's official: Rhode Island is now the tenth state in the country to legalize gay marriage. The stunning news came just three days after Tim Hinkley, the only gay man in all of Rhode Island, came out to the other seven residents of his state.

Earlier this ... Read More & Comments

Congressman explains to PTP why he wants to get rid of the Census Bureau 5/2/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Rep. Jeff Duncan (R-SC) recently introduced a bill in the House that would stop the United States Census Bureau from conducting practically any surveys at all, other than the decennial population count ordered by the Constitution.

We sat down with Duncan t... Read More & Comments

Obama says he can't order republicans to behave; GOP asks “why the hell not?!” 5/2/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama blasted congressional republicans on Tuesday, saying that it shouldn't be his job to make them “behave.” Republicans on the Hill quickly fired back at the president's remark... but not for saying they were misbehaving. Instead, they decided... Read More & Comments

Tebow abandons religion after Jets dump him 5/1/2013 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - While most of the world saw this move coming, that Tim Tebow's days with the Jets were numbered, the football player, known for his religious fervor, made a stunning announcement following the news that he is now a free agent. Tebow has decided that this proves his... Read More & Comments

Huffington Post introduces “HuffPost Naughty” 4/30/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - After years of peppering important news headlines on their front page with bikini bods, nip-slips, sheer/ see-through dresses, wardrobe malfunctions, and other pseudo-pornography just tantalizing enough to make 14 year-old boys save the site as their browser homepa... Read More & Comments

CNN announces troubles are solved after long-lost Nigerian prince uncle dies 4/30/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - New CNN President Jeff Zucker hasn't had much luck at turning around the cable news network's terrible ratings or saving it from the brink of possible cancellation, but today, Zucker revealed that thanks to a massive new surge of money, he may soon be able to perso... Read More & Comments

Tea Party, Occupy Wall Street members volunteer at underfunded preschool 4/29/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A preschool in Maryland that has been hit hard by severe local, state, and federal sequester budget cuts received a helping hand today from members of their community, who volunteered from morning into the late afternoon as teachers, helping educate the children af... Read More & Comments

American charged in North Korea free after handcuffs fall off his wrists 4/28/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - An American citizen detained six months ago was charged in North Korea this weekend with allegedly plotting to overthrow the country's government, a crime for which he could have possibly faced the death penalty... had he not managed to escape thanks to faulty Nort... Read More & Comments

Actual antichrist “sick and tired” of people confusing him with Obama, Bush, others 4/28/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - PTP landed what might be the most exclusive interview of the century this morning, after briefly talking with the one and only Antichrist. The Antichrist, or “AC” as he likes to be called, decided to briefly make his presence known to Earth's mortals when he calle... Read More & Comments

North Korea goes too far provoking United States, threatens Tom Hanks 4/27/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - For several weeks, North Korea has been intentionally provoking the United States. They've threatened to attack us with nuclear weapons, claimed repeatedly they're gearing up for war, and announced Saturday that they will soon put a detained American on trial for ... Read More & Comments

Todd Akin legitimately regrets controversial rape statement 4/26/2013 9:36 PM Matt Rock - Congressman Todd Akin (R-MO), who severely lost a senate bid to incumbent Senator Claire McCaskill in 2012 after making a highly controversial comment about “legitimate rape,” was interviewed by a local TV station on Thursday during which he said he regretted his c... Read More & Comments

Justin Bieber's pot bust a major setback for legalization, sources say 4/26/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Teen pop star Justin Bieber had his tour bus raided in Sweden on Wednesday evening, with police finding marijuana. No one has been arrested, as investigators can't be certain of who owns the drugs. But the raid has had a rippling effect back here in the United St... Read More & Comments

PTP reveals the gifts George W. Bush received from his fellow living presidents today 4/25/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Former President George W. Bush was honored at a ceremony today in Dallas, Texas, dedicating his presidential library, an event that was attended by all the other living presidents. Each of those presidents brought Bush a gift, as is their tradition in opening new... Read More & Comments

Fox News apologizes to viewers after almost saying something nice about Muslims 4/24/2013 9:53 PM Matt Rock - Fox News began airing a promo during commercials today, with a heartfelt apology from the entire network, after one of their pundits came dangerously close on Tuesday morning to saying something that nearly sounded like a compliment toward Muslim people in general.... Read More & Comments

Rift between Obama, Clinton? Barack doesn't invite Bill to dinner with women 4/24/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Last evening, President Barack Obama had twenty women elected to the United States Senate over to the White House for dinner, in his relentless quest to grow stronger ties with Capitol Hill. But one person's ties to the president are becoming strained as a result ... Read More & Comments

France legalizes gay marriage with a really snooty attitude 4/23/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - France legalized gay marriage today after an oftentimes heated national debate and countless protests. The final vote in France's National Assembly ended at 331-225, making France the 14th country to legalize gay marriage.

Oddly enough, homosexuality was ha... Read More & Comments

Politicians close their mouths for one full hour to help environment on Earth Day 4/22/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Today, more than 1,700 American politicians at the local, state, and federal levels, from aldermen to the president, kept their mouths shut for one full hour in a collaborative effort to contribute fewer harmful gasses to the environment than they will in the other... Read More & Comments

Fox affiliate apologizes for Zooey Deschanel gaffe, says they “just really dislike hipsters” 4/22/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Fox 4 Dallas-Fort Worth found itself at the center of an internet PR catastrophe after a viewer caught a snapshot of the local Fox affiliate misidentifying 19 year-old terror suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev as Zooey Deschanel, the 33 year-old star of the TV series “New G... Read More & Comments

Annual marijuana holiday causes worst-ever junk food shortage 4/21/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Yesterday, April 20th (4/20), millions of marijuana fans and legalization advocates used their favorite recreational substance to celebrate “420,” a yearly unofficial holiday for the drug. But in a clear sign of the growing popularity of marijuana, several compani... Read More & Comments

Senators now coming out in droves to support marijuana legalization 4/20/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A recent Pew Research Center poll revealed that 52% of Americans support the legalization of marijuana, while a YouGov poll found that 51% favor it. Huffington Post, which leans heavily to the left (democrats are more keen on legalization than republicans) showed ... Read More & Comments

CNN reporting terror suspect NOT in custody, but has turned into a zombie 4/19/2013 8:10 PM Matt Rock - Just moments ago, suspected Boston terrorist Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has reportedly been injured and then captured by law enforcement officials in an otherwise quiet neighborhood in Watertown, Massachusetts. Every major news organization in the world is reporting that h... Read More & Comments

Americans rejoice after Senate filibusters itself out of existence 4/19/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A tremendous accident early this morning has resulted in the United States Senate filibustering itself into a defunct state, leaving all 100 members of the Senate officially unemployed, effective immediately. The shocking event left the world speechless, save a qu... Read More & Comments

BREAKING NEWS: CNN “109% certain” they've apprehended Boston bomber 4/18/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - CNN revealed today that after a huge investigative journalism effort, Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper have managed to find and capture the person responsible for the Boston Marathon bombings, bringing him to justice just moments ago.

On Wednesday evening, C... Read More & Comments

Marco Rubio to host televised water-drinking contest for Boston victims 4/17/2013 8:06 PM Matt Rock - Florida Senator Marco Rubio announced today that in an effort to raise money for the victims of the terrible tragedy that occurred in Boston this week, he'll be hosting, and participating in, a “live, televised water-drinking competition,” with his super PAC pledgi... Read More & Comments

Kim Jong Un ramps up threats, demands people pay attention to him again 4/16/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - North Korean leader Kim Jong Un made a lengthy series of new threats today, while demanding the world stop focusing on yesterday's tragic events in Boston so everyone could go back to paying attention to him.

“Before those bombs went off in America, everyone... Read More & Comments

Frank to Bieber: "I am all One D" 4/16/2013 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Teen sensation Justin Bieber has been receiving a lot of flack for comments he left at the Anne Frank museum this week. He wrote "Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber." Critics and fans around the ... Read More & Comments

United Nations passes resolution officially labeling North Korea as a “troll” 4/15/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - In a shocking, unprecedented move, the United Nations voted almost unanimously today to label the country of North Korea as a “troll,” a phrase popularized on the Internet in reference to people who say outlandish things with the intention of stirring trouble, cont... Read More & Comments

N. Korea will only participate in nuclear talks if Justin Bieber is shot into the sun 4/14/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The United States and Japan announced Sunday that they'd enter nuclear talks with North Korea if the country would lessen international tensions and honor previous agreements. And Sunday evening, North Korea responded, promising to sit down with foreign leaders, b... Read More & Comments

Pope Francis plans major reforms for Catholic Church 4/14/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Pope Francis named Eight cardinals to a special advisory panel on Saturday, with the hopes of reforming the Vatican and the Catholic Church from the ground up. The media hasn't reported on what those reforms might actually be, but have no fear, PTP is here! After... Read More & Comments

GOP voted unanimously to oppose gay marriage, but what else did they vote on? 4/13/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - On Friday, Republican National Committee members gathered in Los Angeles for an annual meeting, during which they passed, by unanimous vote, a resolution to reaffirm that the GOP is opposed to gay marriage. The story, which was first reported by Time Magazine, has... Read More & Comments

Hollywood wants Obama to appear in “Air Force One” sequel after “action photo” surfaces 4/12/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - On Friday, the White House released a photo taken during President Barack Obama's visit to the ancient city of Petra in Jordan (shown), showing him leaping from a ledge in an amphitheater alongside Jordanian archeologist Dr. Suleiman A.D. Al Farajat. The picture h... Read More & Comments

Republican leadership reacts to Kid Rock being angry with them: “mission accomplished” 4/12/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - In a recent interview with Rolling Stone magazine, “Kid Rock” (no relation to PTP's Matt Rock, who was using the “Rock” pseudonym first!) claimed that he was, quote, “fucking embarrassed to be a Republican.” Today, Republican party leadership responded to that rem... Read More & Comments

Democrats shocked as they overcome GOP filibuster; ask “we can do that?!” 4/11/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The senate managed to clear a massive hurdle Thursday, voting to overcome a Republican filibuster so they could begin a debate on gun control legislation. The stunning move has left countless House and Senate Democrats speechless, as most never realized until toda... Read More & Comments

Anthony Weiner puts out “feelers” to see if he should run for mayor in NYC 4/10/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY), who was forced to resign in 2011 after accidentally publicly posting a photo of his crotch on Twitter that was meant for his cyber sex mistress, recently announced that he's considering a mayoral run in New York C... Read More & Comments

Obama boosts mental health spending after hearing someone claim he “divided America” 4/10/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama's newest budget proposal will put $235 million toward the development of new mental health programs, with a focus on using schools for early detection and for the training of thousands of new professionals in the field. Senior-level sources ... Read More & Comments

N. Korea sounds alarms after fart is confused with distant nuclear attack 4/9/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Millions of North Koreans fled for cover earlier today, after leader Kim Jong Un ordered air raid sirens to be sounded off all throughout the country. Sources in Pyongyang claim that Kim was convinced he'd heard a distant nuclear blast, which led to the initial co... Read More & Comments

Margaret Thatcher, aka “the Iron Lady,” too heavy for conventional coffin, sources say 4/8/2013 8:42 PM Matt Rock - Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher passed away early Monday morning of a stroke at the age of 87. Thatcher was a controversial figure in Great Britain, beloved by just as many people as despised her. But the funeral parlor in London that will oversee... Read More & Comments

CNN chief orders emergency meeting as ratings for newest show plummet 4/8/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - After CNN's new panel show, “(Get To) The Point,” suffered abysmal premier ratings, with more Americans clipping their toenails in that hour than tuning in to the show, CNN President Jeff Zucker called his staff into an emergency meeting today with the goal of figu... Read More & Comments

First Lady to allow President to share bed for first time since “best-looking” remark 4/7/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - According to anonymous White House residence staffers, First Lady Michelle Obama is planning to allow President Barack Obama the opportunity to sleep in their bed tonight, “so long as he doesn't flirt with any other women today.” President Obama had been relegated... Read More & Comments

Obama talks about NASA plan to capture, explore asteroid, asks “what can go wrong?” 4/6/2013 8:13 PM Matt Rock - NASA is planning to capture a 500-ton asteroid in 2019 using a robotic spaceship, and then park that asteroid near the Moon so that astronauts can explore it and pseudo-walk on it in 2021. President Barack Obama is giving NASA $100 million for the plan, which acce... Read More & Comments

N. Korea destroys cardboard boxes after Kim Jong Un plays “Metal Gear” video game 4/5/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ordered that all cardboard boxes large enough for a man to hide inside of be destroyed all throughout the country today, after having played the PlayStation game “Metal Gear: Solid” for the first time yesterday and this morning.
<... Read More & Comments

First-ever nationwide ballot initiative aims to boot Florida from United States 4/5/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - In the upcoming 2014 midterm elections, the United States will hold its first-ever nationwide ballot initiative, with voters being given a once in a lifetime opportunity to quite literally reshape America, by potentially ejecting the State of Florida from the count... Read More & Comments

Ancient “Gate to Hell” actually leads into Dick Cheney's basement, archeologists say 4/4/2013 3:05 PM - This week, Italian news agencies reported that a team of archeologists have managed to discover the site of “Pluto's Gate,” in the ancient Phrygian city of Hierapolis in modern day southwestern Turkey. The site was once a destination for ancient pilgrims, and was ... Read More & Comments

Obama's brain mapping initiative inspired after chat with “dub step” fan 4/3/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama is proposing a research initiative with the hopes of mapping the human brain, according to senior White House officials. The $100 million investment is aimed at unlocking the mysteries of the human body's super computer, but PTP's sources te... Read More & Comments

North Korean spy captured while filming Pentagon with oversized, boxy VHS camcorder 4/2/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A North Korean secret agent was arrested this morning by the FBI, while trying to film inside the Pentagon using an old camcorder from 1992. The spy is currently being detained while FBI and CIA investigators search for other clandestine operatives that may have a... Read More & Comments

Obama slammed for waste, animal cruelty after egg breaks during annual Easter event 4/2/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - On Monday, the White House held its annual Easter Egg Roll on the South Lawn, with thousands in attendance. But last evening, some pundits were quick to blast President Obama and his administration after it was discovered that a child broke an egg during the event... Read More & Comments

Obama pulls April Fool's prank on daughter's new boyfriend, ships him to north pole 4/1/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama may have the most serious job in America, but as he proved earlier today, that doesn't stop him from occasionally having a little fun with his power. At approximately 10:30 am EST, Obama ordered SEAL Team Six to capture 15 year-old Sam McNay... Read More & Comments

Jesus returns to Earth, reprimands HBO and AMC for airing hit shows on Easter 3/31/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Jesus Christ made a rare Easter Sunday appearance today, briefly returning to Earth for the afternoon so he could talk with television producers at the HBO and AMC networks, scolding them for having scheduled the season three premier of “Game of Thrones” and the se... Read More & Comments

Ted Nugent arrested after wounding Easter Bunny with crossbow 3/31/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - One-hit-wonder musician Ted Nugent was arrested early this morning by local and State police at his Texas home, after he severely wounded the Easter Bunny with a crossbow while “patrolling” his property. The Easter Bunny was rushed to a local animal hospital, wher... Read More & Comments

Congress' approval rating skyrockets after members sign anti-Joffrey pledge 3/30/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The 113th United States Congress may have the lowest approval ratings in the nation's history, but some members of the House and Senate set out this weekend to fix that. Nine House and seven Senate members signed a pledge today that has shown the American people t... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney defends Ohio landlord who whips tenants, announces new startup 3/29/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced today a new business venture he's launching next week. In what was his first official press conference since having lost the 2012 presidential race to Barack Obama, Romney seemed to be in high spirits as he revea... Read More & Comments

Congress to defund science programs after recent sighting of “Superman particle” 3/29/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - This week, scientists caught a rare glimpse of a neutrino particle in the act of shifting from one type (muon) to another type (tau). Scientists refer to neutrinos as “Superman particles” because they “get into a phone booth somewhere in between and change into so... Read More & Comments

B-2 bombers sent to S. Korea first stage of showing off military tech to the North 3/28/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The US military recently sent two B-2 stealth bombers on a training mission in South Korea, amid increasing threats, some even nuclear, from neighboring North Korea. Officials reported earlier that the B-2 mission was nothing more than a part of their annual, rout... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry tries, fails to name three ways gay rights activists are “intolerant” 3/27/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Texas Governor Rick Perry told a crowd in Austin on Tuesday that he believes gay rights activists are intolerant of his views. The comment was highly controversial, so today, we reached out to the one-time 2012 GOP presidential contender to ask if he'd like to cla... Read More & Comments

Michael Steele facing expulsion from GOP after claiming party isn't religious 3/27/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former RNC Chairman Michael Steele may find himself without a political party later today, after a “Republican High Council” holds a hearing this afternoon as to whether Steele should be expelled from the GOP due to comments he made on “HuffPost Live” on Monday. D... Read More & Comments

BREAKING! Shocking news from the Supreme Court rocks the world! 3/26/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The United States Supreme Court stunned the nation and the world today, after a startling revelation was made amidst their debate over California's proposition 8. In a shocking moment likely to change your views of the Supreme Court forever, one justice made a sur... Read More & Comments

John Kerry visits Afghanistan, ends war by lulling enemy combatants to sleep 3/25/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Secretary of State John Kerry made a surprise visit to Afghanistan today, to enter into talks with Afghan President Hamid Karzai in the hopes that he might tone down his anti-American rhetoric. But in the process of visiting the country and speaking publicly, Kerr... Read More & Comments

Congress celebrating after receiving a new “like” on Facebook 3/25/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Members of the House and Senate are jubilant today, and are planning a massive celebratory party for tonight, after a random American citizen put a “like” on Congress' Facebook page late Sunday evening, marking the first time anyone has “liked” Congress since 2011.... Read More & Comments

Members of Congress fight back against online sales taxes 3/24/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Senate's newly-approved budget contains support for the Marketplace Fairness Act, a bill which would mandate online retailers to collect sales tax on internet purchases and send that money to local and state governments. But a number of members of the House an... Read More & Comments

GOP announces support for gay marriage after Reagan's daughter writes lesbian novel 3/23/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Ronald Reagan's daughter, Patti Davis, recently self-published a new novel, titled “Till Human Voices Wake Us,” which is centered around a grieving mother who falls in love with her sister-in-law. The book's premise may not be all that shocking in the literary wor... Read More & Comments

Last night's meteor over DC was “a warning shot for Congress,” God says 3/23/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Friday evening at approximately 8 pm EST, numerous Northeastern Americans reported a bright meteor rocketing through the sky. Most of the eyewitness reports are coming in from Washington DC., and today, PTP learned that even though the meteor could be seen from So... Read More & Comments

Apollo engines recovered by Amazon CEO reportedly lost by UPS 3/22/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - On Wednesday, the world was stunned to learn that Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos managed to recover the rocket engines that propelled the Apollo astronauts to the moon, after a three-week deep sea expedition in the Atlantic ocean. But today, Bezos joined NASA officials in ... Read More & Comments

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Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful, and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.