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Republicans push to host Diamond Jubilee for Ronald Reagan
6/3/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock -
News of Queen Elizabeth's incredible Diamond Jubilee ceremony this weekend in Great Britain, which honors 60 years of her reign, has inspired the GOP stateside to begin organizing efforts for a similar event, which they hope will honor former President Ronald Reagan later this year.
Being referred to as “The Gipper's Jubilee,” Republicans are planning a week's worth of celebrations, probably in September, to coincide with the Democratic National Convention in North Carolina, most likely with the sole aim of stealing some of the momentum the President's campaign is expected to build around then.
“We're in the process of trying to figure out what the jubilee will feature, and how we can celebrate the life and presidency of this great man,” explained House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “We know it's going to involve shovels and quite a bit of digging, but once we get all that sorted, the real fun will begin.”
The fun Cantor was referencing? Republicans plan to animate Reagan's corpse into an animatronic puppet, presenting him on a float that commemorates the fall of the Berlin Wall, which they'll parade along Wall Street in Manhattan. Taking a queue from the Queen's jubilee, they'll then load Reagan's animatronic body onto a boat, and sail down the Hudson river, telling the residents of New York City how terrible and godless they are via megaphones.
Republicans are also planning an after party, where Reagan's corpse will have its animatronics removed, so that Cantor and House Speaker John Boehner can mingle with Ronald Reagan in a crowd of fellow Conservative figures, “Weekend at Bernie's” style. More fun will ensue in the week that follows, culminating with a huge fireworks show, and a holographic Reagan concert, similar to the recent Tupac show, featuring all of his greatest speeches in order. Leading conservative figures like Boehner, Cantor, Rush Limbaugh, Michele Bachmann, the Koch Brothers, and others will then all have sex with Reagan before he's buried again.
“It's about time we celebrate the legacy of this great American hero,” Cantor continued. “He was a visionary, a `real' President and a `real' American. He wasn't one of these socialist foreign-born presidents, like you-know-who. President Reagan embodies the... wait... what did you say? Reagan RAISED TAXES?! Uh... you know what? We might not host this event after all!” - Return to Previous Page
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