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Mitt Romney's sons give him bison, furs, spears for Father's Day
6/17/2012 8:10 PM Matt Rock -
GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a break from the campaign trail earlier today to spend some time with his family on Father's Day, and PTP has learned that his five sons spent much of the early afternoon competing with gifts to earn their father's affection.
“Romney is a mannequin, so obviously, he can't father human children. He's tried, but all it did was give Ann Romney splinters,” explained an anonymous source close to the Romney campaign. “So they adopted all five of their sons from a caveman reservation in Europe, the same place GEICO found all those people for their ads. You can't look at his sons and not realize they're cavemen... it should be obvious. They're clean-shaven, but you don't have to stretch your imagination very far to picture one of his sons dragging a woman off by her hair someplace.”
Our sources indicate that Romney's eldest son, Ghorlkrak the Wicked, better known as “Taggart” (all of Romney's sons were given “Christian names” ahead of his 2008 presidential campaign) presented his father with 80 pounds of bison meat. His next son, Horglurut the Destroyer (or “Matthew”) offered him two dozen obsidian arrowheads and six well-crafted spears. Son #3, Hogslash the Undying (“Josh”), gave him twenty fish and a stag's head. His fourth and fifth sons, Forljig (“Ben”) and Craig (“Craig,” ironically enough), worked together to bring their father an entire herd of sheep.
“I worked for Mitt back on his 2008 campaign,” said one of our sources. “His sons painted all these hunting and animal-like sex images all over his hotel suite, filling in the gaps with war symbols. At the time, I thought `my God, how are we going to clean this mess up?' But let me tell you, I'd take care of all the graffiti in Manhattan if it'd get me out of ever having to clean up poop from a herd of sheep and bison guts again.” - Return to Previous Page
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