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Mitt Romney leaps from building to avoid the poor; personality breaks his fall
6/19/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock -
In what many are calling a miracle, authorities are saying that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney was unhurt today after the former Massachusetts Governor threw himself out of a 44th story window. Romney had reportedly learned moments prior that an entire family of poor people – two parents, one grandparent, and three children – had entered the mezzanine of the building Romney was also standing in.
“This wasn't a suicide attempt or anything crazy like that. Mitt knew he'd be fine. This wasn't his first time leaping from a window,” explained Romney Campaign Manager Matt Rhoades. “Mitt's personality is so unbelievably dull that his sheer aura makes him virtually invincible. That's why I want him to be President, really. He wouldn't need a Secret Service... no mortal could so much as injure him. It's like he has super powers, and what more could you ask for from a President than that?”
However, scientists say that Romney's “super powers” are nothing to admire. Dr. Hans Stackerpoop explains. “We call this phenomena `totally fucking lame syndrome,' or `TFLS.' Hundreds of thousands of Americans suffer from TFLS every day, though cases aren't as severe as Mr. Romney's. Math teachers, accountants, local newspaper editors, and avid golfers tend to suffer from TFLS the worst. It might seem fascinating that you could step out in front of a bus and stop it without taking a scratch, but imagine going your whole life without being loved? It's not a gift, it's a curse.”
Authorities confirmed that the Greenwood family were entering the skyscraper to pick up job applications. The father, Bill Greenwood, has been unemployed since he was laid off from the post office late last year. They could not be reached for comment, though neighbors say they've been surviving on a household income of $24,000 per year since Bill lost his job. - Return to Previous Page
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