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Obama administration reveals shocking new plan to “redistribute” marriages
6/22/2012 3:17 PM Matt Rock -
President Obama, speaking from the White House Rose Garden this afternoon, announced to the world that his administration has finished drafting a new proposal to “redistribute marriages” all throughout the United States. The President claims the new plan would solve the economic crisis, end the debate on gay marriage, and resolve health care entirely, all through what he describes would be “a bit of shifting around” of marriage licenses.
“Republicans will fight me on this, they fight me on everything, that's what they do,” explained the President. “But The math is simple. You take married, poor women, and put them and their kids into polygamist marriages with America's wealthiest men, while doing the same with poor men and rich women. That's how you build a strong middle class and reduce poverty in the United States. It's such an amazingly simple plan that I'm impressed not even George W. Bush came up with it!”
The President went on to explain that not everyone would be married to the opposite sex. “We haven't finished running the numbers on this yet, but it's a fact that some millionaires and even billionaires are gays and lesbians. So there will be a chance, however rare, that some of you might end up married to someone of the same sex. But if that happens to you, I just suggest you find something to bite down on, brace yourself for impact, and know that in time, you'll learn to love them. You're taking one for the team! Team America!”
Critics of Obama's plan point out that under his proposed new marriage system, the middle class would end up marrying others from the middle class, and that their quality of life wouldn't really improve from their new marriage. However, supporters of the plan fire back by pointing out that men can have affairs without actually cheating, and women might luck out and get to experience a fantasy from “Fifty Shades of Grey,” so everyone wins. - Return to Previous Page
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