Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Kucinich's wife has laser eye surgery - files for divorce
7/16/2011 10:11 AM Floyd Harden -
Ohio Democratic Congressman Dennis Kucinich’s wife Elizabeth announced this week that she has filed for divorce after undergoing laser eye surgery to correct her vision. Widely considered the hottest-looking spouse in American politics, Mrs. Kucinich indicated that, in addition to alimony, she may seek money from her husband in the form of punitive damages “for telling me all of this time that he was 6’2” and a ‘hunk o’ burning love.'”
A staffer for the Congressman refuted Mrs. Kucinich’s allegations, suggesting that it was impossible to believe that she couldn’t have known that her husband was, in the staffer’s words “ugly as an Englishman" (Mrs. Kucinich is a native of England). The staffer went on to insist that “Elizabeth married Dennis because she grew up in a country where all the men look like that, so naturally she was drawn to a guy whose homeliness reminded her of home.”
A statuesque redheaded beauty a foot taller and some three decades younger than her husband, Elizabeth Kucinich has long been the subject of rumors about what many have considered her colossally bad taste in men. Over the years, skeptics have wondered whether the Congressman held some secret power over his wife. Some suggested that he may have blackmailed her with embarrassing evidence linking her to thoroughly un-American, British notions of dignity and self-restraint. Others speculated that the Congressman may have convinced Elizabeth that if she kissed him enough times, he would turn into a President.
Supporters of Congressman Kucinich, on the other hand, claim that he won his wife’s hand the old fashioned way – by sending her a picture of his enormous House Membership.
In the end, it was left to Elizabeth Kucinich herself to explain how she wound up married to a man voted by his colleagues in Congress “Most likely to owe his soul to Satan." In an interview with CNN’s Piers Morgan, Mrs. Kucinich pulled no punches, saying, “All those years Dennis lied to me. I believed him when he said he and Willem Dafoe were the two best-looking men in America. Talk about an eye opener! Now, not only do I find out my snack-sized husband looks exactly like he sounds, but I’ve had Platoon, Wild at Heart and all three Spiderman movies ruined for me. But at least I had an excuse. What about John McCain’s wife? That woman can see just fine. Explain that one to me.” - Return to Previous Page
|
|
|
|
ARCHIVES
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media© PardonThePundit - ABOUT | JOIN | TERMS
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.
|