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NSA says they won't read Americans' emails, unless they're “really sexy”
7/10/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock -
The National Security Agency revealed today that they would not use future cyber-security legislation as an excuse to spy on the emails of American citizens that are not suspected of terrorist activity, but pointed out that if the emails “are really, really sexy,” that NSA officials “might be compelled to take a peek” at those private pieces of digital correspondence.
“Not counting spam, most `real,' person-to-person emails sent in the United States are either work-related, or have something to do with funny cat pictures. We have no interest in reading those emails,” explained NSA Director Gen. Keith Alexander. “But if you're sending dirty pictures or video, and talking dirty to someone, then yeah, of course we're going to read those. Wouldn't you?”
We asked General Alexander to explain what gives NSA agents the right to read any emails, let alone those containing private sexual content. “Let me give you an example. There's this woman named Jenna Vaughn who lives in Albuquerque, New Mexico. She's 25 years old, and totally smoking hot, with big gorgeous anime eyes and a body that's just, I don't even know, `perfect.' You should call her and hear her voice, it'll get you all worked up! Her phone number is area code 505, 243... you know what? I shouldn't give that out. But holy crap dude, the emails she sends to her long-distance boyfriend? Words can't describe how awesome they are!”
General Alexander realized he was getting off topic, probably because we looked so incredibly disturbed by what he was saying. “Anyway, she watched this Al Jazeera video on Huffington Post, which flagged her in our database. We open some of her emails, and BAM! There she is, sending videos and photos and talking... well... writing... all sexy for her guy. Our agents stumbled across that, you know? What are we supposed to do... `not' look? She's hot! We're only human. Mostly guys, AND human!”
“So yeah, we won't be reading most emails,” Alexander concluded. “But if you end up getting flagged, then you send a bunch of naughty stuff to someone, and you're a hot chick duck-facing in a bathroom holding a cell phone, then yeah, a bunch of NSA guys are going to, you know, `enjoy' your `work.' You might not arouse suspicion, but you'll definitely arouse something, and probably in more guys than you'd ever want to know!” - Return to Previous Page
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