Pardon The Pundit News Feed
God planning to smite Westboro Baptists with “crotch plagues”
7/23/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock -
God, the all-powerful super-being that created the universe in an event called “the big bang,” which was brought on by a wild night of tacos and a flagrant disregard for his own lactose intolerance, issued a formal press release earlier today, condemning the actions of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church, while promising to “smite” the organization with a series of what he labeled as “crotch plagues.”
The Westboro Baptists have been making major headlines all summer, with protests at the funerals of fallen soldiers and the weddings of gay couples. Mortals have been fighting back against the wildly unpopular hate group by forming human chains encircling events that the Westboro Baptists are planning to protest, stopping them from gaining any entrance. However, God admits that “humans need a little help from on high.”
“When I heard these assholes were planning on protesting at vigils and funerals related to the Aurora tragedy, that was the last straw,” God explained, when PTP called for a statement earlier. “I've been sick of these people for a while now. They crossed the last line for the last time. So now I'm throwing crotch plagues at them. If that doesn't teach them, nothing will.”
God explained that there will be three distinct “crotch plagues,” affecting the crotches of all members of the Westboro Baptist Church over the age of eighteen. The first plague will give women a never-ending period, and men will constantly feel like they've just been kicked in the groin by a soccer player. The second will force pubic hair to grow at an alarming rate. Last but not least, the third plague will make penises fall off and vaginas close up permanently.
“I don't think there's anyone in America that actually agrees with those jerks and how they operate,” God said. “But rest assured, when this human cannibalism craze gets out of hand later this fall, and the human race is wiped out in a zombie apocalypse in December, fulfilling ancient Mayan prophesies and all that, the Westboro Baptists will be eaten slowly and horrendously, and will rot in Hell for millions of years. And also, I dislike them.” - Return to Previous Page
|
|
|
|
ARCHIVES
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media© PardonThePundit - ABOUT | JOIN | TERMS
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.
|