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Olympic runner uses bath salts as performance enhancer, nearly eats competitors
8/5/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock
Just when you thought the insanity of the bath salts zombie craze had finally ended, a terrifying story broke earlier today from the Olympic village in London after an unidentified American runner attempted to smoke the “drug” as a performance enhancer, telling his fellow Olympians that it would give him “the sort of physical strength you need to pin people down and eat their faces.”
The athlete reportedly used the bathing product “in large quantities,” according to detectives from London's famed Scotland Yard. He then went on a terrifying, violent spree of eating everything he could find in London --fish, chips, cabbage, haggis, muffins – until he ran out of options, turning then toward eating people. Luckily, he wasn't able to consume any of the athletes. Rumor has it that one North Korean Olympian was eaten whole, but having not won a medal in his category, many think getting eaten by a drug-fueled zombie was a better fate than he'd have gotten when he returned home.
British police, who do not carry firearms like they do here in America, politely asked the Olympic runner to quote, “stop muckin' about.” The runner then turned on the officers, lunging at them. They were able to subdue the crazed runner, but only after striking him repeatedly with billy clubs, and acting out a scene from Monty Python, playing the Ministry of Funny Walks, which cracked up their suspect long enough to bring him down.
Fellow Olympic athletes were mostly terrified and appalled by the news. The International Olympic Committee is investigating the incident, and promise they will carry out full sweeps of every hotel room and training facility being used for the Olympics. Swimming star and living legend Michael Phelps has thus far been the only Olympian to comment to the press on the incident, stating, “dude, you should never do, like, hard drugs before the Olympics. Just smoke lots of pot like I do. Shit, I won so many gold medals up in this biz I can't even carry them all by myself, and I've been high this whole time!” - Return to Previous Page
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