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Romney picks Paul Ryan of Bain Capital, NOT rep. Paul Ryan, as running mate
8/11/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock -
The Internet exploded last night with rumors that the Romney campaign would be naming representative Paul Ryan as the presumptive GOP nominee's running mate. But while the media did successfully claim that Paul Ryan will be Romney's vice presidential candidate, they made one major error: It will be Paul Ryan, an executive from Bain Capital, and not Rep. Paul Ryan, the polarizing Wisconsin congressman with the ludicrous, polarizing budget proposals.
“We didn't even notice their names were similar, let alone identical. But regardless, we're going with Paul Ryan of Boston, and not Paul Ryan from congress,” explained Romney Campaign Manager Matt Rhoades. “Paul Ryan worked at Bain with Mitt for many years, until at least 2002... uh... I mean, 1997. Yeah, that's what I meant.”
Rhoades spent the next fifteen minutes asking us to retract his having mixed up the dates, before finally agreeing to continue. “So anyway, yeah, `this' Paul Ryan is extremely moderate. He's socially liberal, fiscally conservative, and middle of the road on both. He supports marriage equality and early-term abortions, helping Mitt win over moderates and even liberals. He's exactly what Mitt needs if we're going to win the White House.”
We asked Rhoades if the other, more famous Paul Ryan had been considered. “What? Hell no! Are you kidding me?! Paul Ryan from congress would fire up the base, while driving everyone else in the country as far away from Mitt Romney as humanly possible. It'd be the worst f—king idea ever to get him... a total death sentence for this campaign, the sort of bad decision that ends entire political careers. If Mitt loses, he could run again in 2016. But bringing in Paul Ryan? Ask John McCain why he isn't running this year, go ahead! Seriously people, we know what we're doing here. No one is amateur enough in the Romney campaign to actually suggest a polarizing cretin like Paul Ryan!” - Return to Previous Page
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