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USA nabs gold medals in men's and women's synchronized ignoring the homeless
8/12/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock -
The United States further cemented its strong lead in London earlier today with a pair of gold medals in synchronized ignoring the homeless, a team sport where two individuals attempt to ignore the pleas of homeless people begging for change.
The game consists of teams of two men and, in a separate event, two women, walking at a not-bothered pace as ten homeless people beg them for change. The less money they give away after crossing the finish line, the higher their overall score. The total given away can be reduced by rudely offering change, with judges determining the total reduction.
The men's team scored a perfect $0.00 score, stunning the world with an impressive fake-out maneuver when Neil Myers stopped in front of a sickly elderly homeless woman, reaching sadly into his pocket to pull out some loose change. Americans held their breath in fear, knowing the gold medal would be lost if he gave more than a nickel, but instead, Myers whipped out his middle finger, laughing at the elderly woman and telling her to get a job before storming proudly across the finish line. Myers' move earned his team -$0.45, correcting a $0.25 screw-up by his teammate, Chad Young.
The women's team scored $0.03, narrowly beating the British team by only one penny. Stacy Harrison gave in near the end of the course, violently throwing a dime at a toothless homeless man. Her throw earned her back seven cents by knocking out another of the man's teeth, which saved her team by a hair (well, a tooth), and granted them the gold.
Congratulations, team America! We're number one! - Return to Previous Page
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