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BREAKING NEWS! Election fraud turkey involved in Petraeus scandal!
11/18/2012 10:37 PM Matt Rock
James Francis Gallopavo, the famed turkey that was recently charged with several counts of election fraud and sentenced to death, was discovered just moments ago to have been involved in the sex scandal involving General David Petraeus and several others.
In the scandal, General Petraeus was having an affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. Broadwell accused a Florida socialite, Jill Kelley, of also having an affair with Petraeus, and sent her threatening emails. Kelley then reached out to an FBI agent that had sent her shirtless photos of himself to have him investigate the scandal, only for him to then turn around and discover that Kelley had been having a “sexting” affair with General John Allen.
And today, a new twist in the story has developed. Investigators claim that both Petraeus' and Allen's wives had visited Gallopavo's Warren, Ohio farm several times in 2011 and earlier in 2012. Broadwell's husband also visited the farm, in July of this year. Authorities say they've discovered nearly 2,000 erotic photographs involving the turkey posing with both wives and the husband, and say many of them involve turkey basters, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie, but won't go into details as to how those items were used in the photographs.
Meanwhile, the husband of Jill Kelley had allegedly discovered his wife's affair with General Allen, and had trailed Allen's wife all of the way to Ohio to confront her about it. That's when he discovered her affair with the turkey. Kelley's husband then attempted to bribe Gallopavo to sell the pictures to him, so that he could hand them over to the FBI agent, not knowing that he was secretly in love with his wife.
This is a developing story. Stay tuned to Pardon the Pundit between now and Gallopavo's execution on December 1st – if nothing crazy happens on Thanksgiving, of course – to learn just how deep the election fraud turkey rabbit hole goes! - Return to Previous Page
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