Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Mitt Romney involved in lurid sex scandal with Mitt Romney
9/12/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock -
Unconfirmed reports of Mitt Romney's vile, heinous love affair with Mitt Romney have finally been verified, thanks to special dumpster-diver reporting by PTP's crack team of journalists, and tell-all interviews with anonymous members of Romney's campaign staff. According to these sources, Mitt Romney has been secretly involved in a romantic affair with Mitt Romney for at least the full duration of his campaign, and many believe that this torrid, lustful relationship may have been taking place for as long as several decades.
“He'll sometimes go in the bathroom for 15 minutes to half an hour,” said one anonymous campaign staffer, who may or may not be Romney's campaign manager, but probably is, but might not be. “When people follow him in there to use it afterwards, there are no strange odors, and the only reading material anyone can find is a Lands' End catalog, usually open to images of Mitt Romney. You don't need to be a theoretical physicist, or even a real physicist, to add two and two together.”
“I've never seen anyone so obsessed with their own face,” explained another anonymous campaign staffer, who looks quite a bit like the campaign's communications director, but probably isn't that person. “It's kind of scary, actually. You go into our campaign headquarters, and Mitt's face is plastered on all the walls, on t-shirts, and bumper stickers. People are watching videos of him, and saying his name on telephones... it's the ultimate palace for a narcissist. But I think there's more to it than that. No one goes to that great length if they aren't, you know, intimate with themselves. Then again, he might be a stalker. I can't be sure.”
Some claim the love affair has been going on since well before the campaign. “When Mitt was a teenager, he'd often vanish off in his room for long stretches of time, and if you knocked on his door, he'd sound all panicked and out of breath,” said Romney's cousin, Jon Huntsman, who desperately begged us not to make him anonymous, and claims he's also running for President, allegedly. “We know what he was doing in there. I think it's obvious.”
Rumors persist that in college, Romney would often cross his hands onto his shoulders and bob his head as though he were making out with someone, but according to eye witnesses, he would later reveal that no other person was present, leaving many to speculate that Mitt Romney had managed to somehow makeout with himself. However, Romney has remained silent on all of these allegations, most likely due to the fact that no one has asked him for further comments. - Return to Previous Page
|
|
|
|
ARCHIVES
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media© PardonThePundit - ABOUT | JOIN | TERMS
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.
|