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Romney Declares Peace "Subjective"
4/26/2011 10:22 PM Ross
Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, who recently issued a statement referring to the Obama stimulus package as being among "the biggest peacetime spending binges in American history," today tried to amend his words in order to appease military personnel who took umbrage with his failure to acknowledege current U.S. involvement in no less than three military theaters.
"I know we're in Afghanastan and Libya," Romney stated somewhat distractedly during a press conference this morning. After an aide leaned over and whispered something in Romney's ear, the former Massachusets Governor continued, "And Iraq, too, I guess. Iraq?"
Romney then attempted to cover the microphone and whispered over his shoulder, "I thought that was over. What? Really, still?"
The press conference continued as Romney explained that he had simply meant to make reference to spending following World War Two, which was, according to Romney, "the last 'real' war."
"I mean, you can't call Viet Nam, or Korea - wait, are we in Korea now? No, no ...."
Romney trailed off repeatedly during his speech, seeming to struggle to make his point. Following a poorly received reference to the Falkland's conflict, which Romney called "the greatest U.S. military victory of this century," but which actually took place between Great Britain and the Falkland Islands in 1982, the former governor and practicing Mormon grew more philosophical.
"I mean, what is 'peace,' really? To me peace could mean a well-cared-for lawn, impecably groomed by documented American citizens like my gardener Estuardo. To many Americans, it could mean living in a country where a candidate from a religious minority - not Islam, obviously, or Judaism, or anything non-Christian - could one day become President, while an ethnic minority, like, say, a black man, could not. That reality could mean 'peace' to many Americans who would otherwise join a militia group. It's obviously subjective, so who am I to say?"
The press conference was punctuated by the politician's repeated breaks to inhale from a small plastic bag containing a yellow liquid, which Romney's handlers identified as "petroleum-based aromatherapy."
"The economy's great!" he exclaimed in his closing statement. "I mean terrible! I'm Gerald Ford!! Whoo-hoo!" - Return to Previous Page
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