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One year later, tiger shark recalls having found and eaten Osama Bin Laden
5/3/2012 8:44 PM Matt Rock
It was May 3rd, 2011 -- one year ago to the day – that a tiger shark named Oscar would stumble across a grisly discovery at the bottom of the North Arabian Sea that would change his life forever, in more ways that one. Some of those ways would be positive. Others, tragic. While other news networks are holding interviews in the White House situation room and speaking with humans, PTP has gained an exclusive interview with Oscar the Shark... suck it, CNN.
The dry-land raid on Osama Bin Laden's compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan on May 1st, 2011 left US forces with the corpse of the world's most sought-after terrorist in their custody. Not wanting to make a shrine for the Al Qaeda kingpin, Bin Laden was dumped into the sea from the deck of the USS Carl Vinson, where his corpse would spend nearly two full days sinking before it reached the ocean floor. That is where Oscar, who was hunting for a mid-day snack, made the startling discovery.
“I went way deeper that day than I usually go,” Oscar explained. “I found this huge, hairy human wrapped in what looked like a sheet, and he had a huge hole in his face. I remember thinking to myself `this guy definitely got pwned pretty hard.' I was hungry, and while I don't really like the taste of humans that much, I figured `eh, screw it... lunch.' I had no idea who he was. We don't get TV or internet at the bottom of the sea.”
Within hours of having eaten Bin Laden, however, Oscar found himself fighting against an undertow of widespread media attention. “It was insanity. Human reporters were swimming down to meet and interview me. Anderson Cooper and Geraldo both offered me a lifetime supply of tuna and a cozy pad at the San Diego Sea World if I'd give up the story. It got to the point where I couldn't get five seconds of private time... it was insane.”
Oscar said his privacy wasn't the only thing he lost. “My friends and family that spend more time near the surface were all like `dude, you ate Bin Laden, how could you?' But how was I to know the guy blew stuff up? I was ostracized by the local aquatic community for months. I still am, in a way. And worse still, he wasn't even that tasty. That crazy beard of his got stuck in my teeth... I lost an afternoon of my life trying to get it all out. It was the worst and most costly lunch I ever ate.”
But Oscar says the future is starting to look a little bit brighter. “MTV contacted me to offer a reality TV show about my life, where I challenge other sharks to eat crazy stuff. And I'm nearly finished with my new book, `I Ate Bin Laden,' which is due out sometime this summer. An aquarium in the States is offering to move me there, too. I think I've learned my lesson, and I'm looking forward to a new sort of life. Still, the next time I find a tall dead human floating at the bottom of the sea, I'm going to ignore him and keep looking for dinner. There's only so much one shark can take.” - Return to Previous Page
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