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CNN hopes to win back ratings by unveiling “news cat”
5/5/2012 8:38 PM Matt Rock
Famed news network CNN has been struggling in the past few years with crumbling ratings and broken technological “marvels” that audiences find funny and silly rather than intriguing, like holographic interviews, magic walls, and “weebles.” But CNN President Ken Jautz believes all of the news giant's troubles are in the past, as the network prepares to debut their newest anchor... news cat.
Jautz explained to PTP how CNN discovered the world's first feline anchor. “I was browsing Facebook a few weeks ago, when my sister's daughter's best friend's gardener's ex-girlfriend's former housemate put up this awesome picture of a cat asking `I can has cheeseburger?' I didn't get the joke, of course, since we're all helplessly out of touch here at CNN. But after some more Facebook browsing, I came to realize that cats are the `in thing' right now. So CNN has to cash in on this fad before it goes away, even though we'll keep cashing in on it relentlessly even after the fad has come and gone. That's how we roll!”
CNN has not released an image of the cat, or any information about him, other than that he's a male, three-year old cat named Tommy. News cat will begin co-hosting “Anderson Cooper 360º” next week, with network executives expecting him to deliver an in-depth cat analysis and review of the full 2012 GOP primary season and the various players that were involved therein.
But not everyone is excited about News Cat's pending arrival. “I have to share my show with a news cat now? Someone needs to explain to me why in the hell I still work for CNN,” Anderson Cooper told PTP earlier today. “I covered starvation in Somalia. I was on the ground covering Katrina and helping people on-location. I'm a real journalist, and somehow I ended up on CNN, with a holographic Will.I.am. on one side of me and a damn talking news cat on the other, and that's IF he can actually talk, because these crappy CNN gimmicks don't work half the time! I know you guys do fake news, but you still have more journalistic integrity than CNN. Do you have any openings at PTP?” - Return to Previous Page
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