Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Bachmann granted citizenship in Switzerland, refuses to return to home planet
5/10/2012 10:41 AM Matt Rock -
Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, famed as being the first female alien creature from another planet to have run in an American presidential election, has been granted citizenship in Switzerland. This has given Bachmann rare triple-citizenship; she is recognized as a citizen of the United States, Switzerland, and her home planet, Zeeblop 92-A.
“I love all things Swiss,” Bachmann explained, during a press conference in Minnesota. “Swiss cheese, Swiss army knives, Swiss watches, Swiss bank accounts, Renee Zellweger... what's not to love? And I'm apparently eligible to run for office in Switzerland now, too. I could be a Congresswoman in two countries at the same time! And they have mandated universal health care, too, so they obviously need me to fight socialism for them!”
However, PTP has learned that Switzerland granted citizenship not because her homosexual husband, Marcus Bachmann, is of Swiss decent, but rather due to complicated intergalactic diplomacy. “The governments of Earth have been trying to send Bachmann back to her home planet for years now, but they don't want her,” said a senior-level NASA official that PTP interviewed earlier today. “So, we've collectively decided, as a planet, to grant Bachmann citizenship in as many nations as possible. If we can make her look normal and sane, they might lift their exile of her long enough for Bachmann to visit her home planet once more.”
Then, according to officials, all of the governments of Earth would simultaneously exile Bachmann from their borders. By Zeeblopian Intergalactic statue #7264-91A-1111111-Kim Kardashian-4682.11B, a Zeeblopian that has been exiled, but is visiting while that exile is temporarily lifted, cannot be sent back to their planet of exile if at least 98% of the nations on that planet also exile her.
However, Bachmann herself has stated repeatedly that she has no desire to return to her home planet. “On Zeeblop 92-A, every man, woman, child, dog, and gorsvax gets free health care for life, and they have stem stell research, too. That means they live forever and never get sick. Who wants that? Not me! That's why when I was exiled, I picked Earth. You humans get all frail and weak and die off in the double-digits. Zeeblopians live into their thousands. It sounds boring to me. So I plan on staying on Earth for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time! YAY!” - Return to Previous Page
|
|
|
|
ARCHIVES
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media© PardonThePundit - ABOUT | JOIN | TERMS
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.
|