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Romney campaign vetting Zombie Reagan for VP, worried he's too liberal
5/9/2012 9:05 PM Matt Rock
Mitt Romney's campaign staff are currently vetting former President Ronald Reagan, despite the fact that he's dead as a doornail, to join the Romney ticket as his VP candidate. Campaign insiders have reported to PTP that the vetting process has been underway for at least two weeks, but senior-level advisers have reportedly expressed concerns that Reagan might be a little too dead, and a little too liberal, to make a positive impact on Romney's campaign.
“Ronald Reagan has become the poster-child for this newest iteration of conservatism, but truth be told, he was way too liberal by modern standards,” said an anonymous Romney advisor. “He repeatedly raised taxes, including the largest peace-time tax hike in our nation's history, in 1982. He granted amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants. And he actually sat down with vile foreign leaders to chat with them, too, apologizing for America and bowing for foreign heads of State. So he's way, way, way too liberal to get on the ticket. But [Romney] is insisting we vet him for it anyway.”
Ronald Reagan, however, doesn't seem interested in the gig. Now known as “Zombie Reagan,” the former President has occasionally risen himself from his grave, and based on his statements not involving the consumption of brains, Zombie Reagan has repeatedly chastised the contemporary GOP, even offering praise to President Obama for having saved the auto industry and for having managed the economy as well as any President could have, given the circumstances he faced.
This marks the first time a presumptive GOP nominee has vetted a dead man to be his vice presidential pick since Dick Cheney chose himself to be George W. Bush's running mate in 2000. Cheney, who is more machine than man, is 79% cybernetic being and 19% zombie, with the remaining 2% being the tears of young children and dying puppies that courses through his veins, offering him power and vitality. Former GOP candidate Rick Perry was on record with his consideration of Colonel Sanders, of KFC fame, to be his Vice President, but Perry hugged and danced with a bottle of maple syrup, and lost the primary fight early on. - Return to Previous Page
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