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Gays and lesbians ravage the nation after President Obama endorses gay marriage
5/9/2012 3:31 PM Matt Rock
American citizens are being urged to stay indoors, with their doors and windows securely locked, their blinds closed tightly, and to not wear clothes that clash, for fear of rampaging homosexual hordes that have formed in the wake of President Obama's official endorsement of marriage equality. Local, State, and Federal law enforcement, partnered with FEMA and the National Guard, are instituting martial law in the hopes of curbing the gay menace that is tearing the United States asunder at this very moment.
The disaster began approximately one hour ago, when President Obama announced to the world that he supports the rights of homosexuals to get married. Within minutes of the announcement, reports of gay rioting, gay looting, and even gay earthquakes began breaking out around the nation.
“Gays and lesbians ran into the streets, gay-marrying everything that wasn't tied down,” said one Police Chief. “They've been turning straight people gay, gay people more gay, and Andy Dick is more confused right now than he's ever been in his whole life. The American way of life is in jeopardy and there's nothing we can do about it! If you see my wife, please tell her that I loved her, until the gays made me one of them, anyway. I'm assuming that's what will happen if they catch me. I'm sure she'll understand. Chances are, she's a lesbian now!”
Voters in North Carolina attempted to curb the gay tide, by voting to outlaw gay marriage in their State completely. However, analysts fear that their efforts were too little, too late. “They tried to outlaw gay marriage here in North Carolina, and on paper, it worked. But the real world isn't made out of paper,” said North Carolina Governor Bev Perdue, a Democrat. “Instead, we're getting the worst of the riots. Have you seen Facebook today? It's covered in comments about North Carolina sucking a big one. In fact, the one that North Carolina is sucking is so big that we've ended up being the gayest State in the country. I guess that's what happens when you show off what a bigoted asshole your State is collectively.” - Return to Previous Page
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