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House drops Census survey in “disinformation campaign”, plans to attack polling next
5/10/2012 8:50 PM Matt Rock
Earlier today, the Republican-controlled House voted to get rid of surveys that have been used by the government and a myriad of businesses since 1790. The surveys, conducted by the Census Bureau and once known as the “long form Census,” asked several questions about households and families. House Republicans labeled the Census survey as “unconstitutional,” despite the authors of the Constitution having used it themselves, and an “invasion of privacy,” one that many businesses, large and small, which Republicans often claim to support, used as a fundamental planning tool.
But according to Republicans, eliminating the Census survey was only their first step in what they're calling a “disinformation campaign.” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor explained the bold new GOP initiative. “For too long, our government has spied on Americans and our way of life. They tell us how to think, what to believe, and what they expect us to `know' with invasive public education programs. In 2012 and over the next few years, though, Republicans are going to solve these problems, getting big government out of our brains, and back into our bedrooms where they belong.”
According to Cantor and others, the disinformation campaign will defund public schools entirely, ban money from ever reaching libraries, strongly censor the Internet, and take down what Cantor describes as “one of the biggest threats to America since Nazi Germany,” opinion polling.
“Opinion polling is one of the worst inventions of the mainstream liberal media of all time,” said House Speaker John Boehner, who didn't cry for what might be the first time ever in a PTP article. “I mean, look at any poll out there not issued by Fox News. Congress' approval rating is, what, -37% now, right? That isn't even mathematically possible! So we're going to outlaw polling of all stripes next week. Unless `Nobama' vetoes it, of course, with his fifty-something-percent approval rating. Elitist jerk.”
“Americans know too much already,” Boehner explained, finally giving us those tears we were all hoping to see. “They're too intelligent for their own good. For instance, people point out that the Census survey we just killed was around since the writers of the Constitution came up with it, but it's obviously unconstitutional, so that just proves that being educated hurts the country, right? But don't you worry, America. Republicans in the House are all over this like Mitt Romney beating up a gay kid in high school!” - Return to Previous Page
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