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Hipsters, other college kids capture Joseph Kony's top LRA Commander
5/13/2012 3:16 PM Matt Rock
Joseph Kony, the leader of the Lord's Resistance Army in Africa who was made famous in a viral documentary about him, suffered a major blow today when Caesar Acellam, one of Kony's top commanders, was captured after a brief firefight near the Congo border.
But Ugandan military forces weren't acting alone when they found him... they were led to Acellam by a group of hipster d-bags and spoiled Long Island college kids, who took a semester off from their challenging art degree majors to help hunt for Kony after being inspired by the documentary.
“Dude, we totes found this guy. I'm so stoked,” said one hipster, whose name I forgot to write down during my interview with him, because I was too busy repressing the urge to knock his Elvis Costello glasses off of his hairy face each time he took a puff off his clove cigarette. “I came to Africa to make a difference, man. A difference! And we did it! We are the 99%!”
One of the college kids, a bratty Long Island girl named Alyssa, was quite proud of her contributions to Acellam's capture as well. “So like, I watched the Kony movie, and I was like, so intrigued! I totes just learned that word, `intrigued,' doesn't it, like, make me sound smart? So like, yeah, this was an awesome way to spend my summer, like, coming to Africa and like, finding this guy, and like, not getting totally shit-faced in bars back home because, like, I did something, uh, good or whatever.”
Acellam has filed a formal complaint with the International Criminal Court, noting that he was tortured upon his capture. In his complaint, Acellam stated that “those strange-looking Americans in vintage clothing forced me to eat Kosher organic vegetarian turkey and listen to rock bands that no one had ever heard of, saying that their lack of popularity somehow made them better to listen to, and then whined about how they couldn't find a Starbucks or an art movie theater anywhere in Uganda.” - Return to Previous Page
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