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Bizarre, “magical” events take place after congressman refuses to meet with prostitute
5/14/2012 4:15 PM Matt Rock
A string of bewildering incidents have sprung up around the globe today after Congressman Peter King (R-NY), chair of the House Homeland Security Committee, told CNN that he would not meet with the prostitute involved in the US Secret Service scandal, Dania Londono Suarez.
News agencies the world over are reporting sightings, with photos and videos, of beasts once believed to be mythical, or even magical, including unicorns, dragons, minotaurs, and a version of Justin Bieber that isn't a pint-sized douche. Theoretical physicists say that a congressman refusing to meet with a prostitute is so rare and strange that it may have opened a paradox-void in the space-time continuum, bringing those creatures into our world.
Physicists say the void has also caused all of the mysterious events that have sprouted up all over the Earth in the wake of King's CNN interview. McDonald's released a health advisory, warning customers that their food is unfit for human consumption. The New York Knicks won a game of basketball. Detroit wheeled out a car that doesn't suck. And dozens upon dozens of Republicans made it through conversations today about President Obama without using the words “socialist,” “radical,” or “Kenya.”
But not all of the events were simply strange or humorous. “I was shopping in a grocery store, minding my own business, when all of the logos from the cereal boxes sprang to life,” said Rebecca Ross, 28, of Newark, New Jersey. “They chased everyone out of the store... it was terrifying. Captain Crunch had Pecan Sam on his shoulder, giving orders, while Count Chocula ran around trying to bite everyone. The Trix bunny was the worst though, taking out years of neglect and abuse at the hands of greedy children by... well, there was a machete and lots of crying, I can't say more than that. He kept yelling `Whose silly now?! WHOSE SILLY NOW! All I wanted was a fucking bowl of cereal! You brought this on yourselves!' It's going to haunt my dreams the rest of my life.” - Return to Previous Page
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