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Spiders force Ron Paul to suspend his campaign
5/16/2012 8:30 PM Floyd Harden -
Ron Paul officially suspended his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination Monday, telling anyone who would listen that he was dropping out “because of my perfectly rational fear of spiders.”
Paul, who campaigned on a promise to fundamentally re-shape the American political landscape by doing something – nobody remembers what – was forced out of the race when the money dried up after his supporters realized that if Ron Paul were the last American alive, he might eke out a win in the popular vote but he would still get creamed in the electoral college.
In a speech to one reporter who showed up at a Ron Paul event because he thought there were for sure going to be free dime bags of pot handed out (there weren’t – it turned out to be oregano) Paul ignored his financial woes and insisted, “The only thing that stands between me and the White House is zillions of creepy spiders who want nothing more than to bring western civilization to its knees. I fought the good fight. I must have squished like a million spiders in just the last thirty seconds but there are too many of them and they all have legs, so many many many many many many legs! And eyes! Do you know that the average spider has about a billion eyes? We’re talking more eyes than legs even! And they never ever ever blink! Ever! So anyway, I’m officially endorsing Mitt Romney because he has a better plan for America than Barack Obama and because he’s probably not a spider. I counted his eyes and his legs and I think I saw him blink once last October, so Romney 2012! Spiders!!!” - Return to Previous Page
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