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Romney settles on the perfect running mate
5/17/2012 10:30 AM Floyd Harden -
Mitt Romney re-shocked the Republican establishment yesterday when he announced that he no longer wants Barack Obama or Ronald Reagan or the fictional character “Julia” or the other fictional character “Sarah Palin” or the comely Portuguese virgin he pays $70 thousand a year to pre-chew his food to be his vice presidential running mate; Romney will instead buy John Edwards off the garbage heap of history and make him his running mate.
In making his announcement, Romney appeared confident that he had finally hit upon the right choice to propel him to victory in the fall. “John Edwards! Why didn’t I think of him before? He’s good looking, like me. He’s got great hair, like me. And he spent campaign funds to hide his mistress from his dying wife. Okay, I never did that. That’s more of a Gingrichy kind of a move. But hey, I did give a gay kid a haircut and I did make millions at Bain Capital by firing thousands of so-called ‘people.’ The point is John Edwards fits my campaign like a good-looking, well-groomed, shallow, self-absorbed, philandering glove that doesn’t mind giving his straight-laced, boring boss all the sordid details of his sexual conquests. And did I mention that Edwards is from one of the Carolinas? I don’t remember which one but there’s a fifty-fifty chance it’s the one that just banned gay marriage and that’s good enough for me! With John Edwards on my team I’m a lock to finish in the top two!”
During a break at his trial for improperly using campaign funds to pay off his mistress, Edwards expressed his gratitude to Romney for rescuing him from political oblivion. “I have always admired Governor Romney and I can’t wait to join him as he campaigns all across this great land of ours, staying in motels with young eager lady staffers and getting interviewed by local star struck lady TV reporters and grabbing lunch at restaurants with hard working lady waitresses and relaxing at strip clubs with shapely, sadly desperate yet surprisingly friendly lady strippers. Romney-Edwards 2012! Hey, who’s that chick Romney pays all that money to pre-chew his food? I hear she’s a virgin?!” - Return to Previous Page
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