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Facebook shareholder poked to death moments after shares open
5/18/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock
When Trisha Cohen and Jane Reid of Manhattan bought shares earlier today in Facebook, on the social networking giant's first day of public trading, neither expected that tragedy was lurking on the horizon. Cohen and Reid, friends since grade school, decided to buy shares together. They were expecting to have a say in how the company was run. Reid instead got heartache and despair. Cohen, sadly, got far, far worse.
Police reports state that moments after leaving their stockbroker's office this afternoon, Cohen and Reid were heading off to a nearby subway station. They were joking about what they'd do, now that they each owned equal portions of Facebook. Reid joked that she wanted a date with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Trisha Cohen, who didn't own a cat, said that she was instead looking forward to the first shareholder meeting.
“Cohen told Reid that she was hoping to fundamentally change Facebook with her shares,” said NYPD Chief of Police Joseph Esposito. “She was joking that the first thing she wanted to do was get rid of Facebook's `Timeline,' which everyone knows sucks, and also get rid of `poking,' because no one knows what it's even good for. As a shareholder, however, there were certain levels of risk involved in publicly criticizing Facebook. She wasn't warned. None of us were warned.”
According to authorities and witnesses, just as Cohen made her critical comments, a giant blue finger swooped down from the sky. The finger, which many described as being roughly the size of a city bus, proceeded to poke Cohen in her back repeatedly. Cohen and Reid attempted to flee, but the finger kept poking Cohen, harder and harder and harder... until she was dead. Poked to death by Facebook. Reid managed to escape with only mild injuries sustained from accidental pokes.
“There really isn't much we can do about this, shy of warning investors not to badmouth, or otherwise piss off, Facebook,” explained Esposito. “We can't go after Facebook legally. It's a website, not a person. And even if we could arrest Facebook, I don't want to imagine what that would do to my `Farmville' crops or my `Zombie Lane' yard. My cops are good people. They have crops and yards, too. It's just too risky. The NYPD sends our condolences to the Cohen family.” - Return to Previous Page
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