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Whales, trees send bitter, scornful letters as Al Gore reveals new girlfriend
5/19/2012 11:00 AM Matt Rock -
It was recently discovered that former President... wait, sorry... former “Vice” President Al Gore has managed to land himself a new girlfriend, a Californian conservationist and big-time DNC donor by the name of Elizabeth Keadle. Gore's friends, family, and worldwide fans seem enthusiastic about his newly-blossoming relationship, but PTP has discovered that not everyone is excited about his new girlfriend... and no, we aren't talking about Tipper.
“How could he do this to me? After everything we've been through together?” asked Sheila, a killer whale from the South Pacific. “I thought we had something special together. Something magical. It's rare that a man and an oceanic dolphin commonly mistaken as a whale can share what Al and I had. I guess all of that is over now. He invented the Internet... and then he invented my broken heart.”
Whales weren't the only ones upset by Gore's new romance. “I've been around for, oh, nearly a thousand years now,” said Jessica, a redwood tree from California. “In all those years, I haven't known many humans. A few natives back in the day, and a kid peed on me in the 70's once, may he burn in hell. It's quite boring being a tree, surrounded by the same assholes for hundreds of years. Al Gore would hug me regularly. He made me feel loved. Respected. I guess that's over now. I guess I'll have to go back to hoping these jerks that grew up around me get cut down before I do. FML!”
PTP contacted Gore's office at CurrentTV, but they refused comment. The receptionist did state, however, that letters and emails from animals and vegetation have been pouring in nonstop since the romance between Gore and Keadle was made public. - Return to Previous Page
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