Pro-legalization rally canceled; marijuana advocates “lost track of the day, man”
7/11/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock
A large rally was scheduled to take place this afternoon in Washington DC, with 100,017 supporters of the legalization of marijuana registered for attendance, but the historic event was abruptly canceled when organizers and 99,973 of the protesters failed to show up.
“It's like, a travesty man,” explained one of the few organizers who did show up. “Like, totally, we were expecting this gnarly turn out, but like, I don't even know, you know? It's like, a conspiracy! Totally a conspiracy man! Or maybe they lost track of the day, man, you know? It's bogus though.”
The rally was going to begin with a march, starting at the corner of 7th St. NW and Constitution Avenue NW, and head west toward the Reflecting Pool, where organizers were hoping to attempt publicly smoking a 1:6 scale Washington Monument bong. The march was scheduled to begin at noon, with scheduled breaks for munchies, and end at 6:30 pm, after which the rally attendees would be treated to live music by Phish, Snoop Dogg, Willie Nelson, and Miley Cyrus. However, the event failed to get off the ground.
“Dude, I was so stoked,” explained one of the attendees. “This was, like, totally killer, you know? But the man stopped it from happening. It's a wicked bummer. This was all about peace and love and music, man, and the man tried to stop it, man.” He paused to stare at his hand for several minutes before continuing. “Dude, the President didn't want this to happen. George Bush, man, he's like, the worst President we ever had. I hope we get someone new soon.”
“Dude, I didn't go because I don't believe in calendars,” explained a key organizer who referred to himself as “Bad Trip.” “They're just another way for the government to track us. Einstein said time isn't real, man. None of it is real. It's all just the corporate machine trying to tell us when the sun comes up, and like, when to shop, you know?”
After quickly devouring a bag of Funyuns, Bad Trip continued. “Like, you ever go to the store, and they ask for your ZIP code? That's the government, man. That's the government tracking everything you do. You tell them your ZIP code and they know where you live and what you bought and what you drank. They don't want the icky legal because they won't be able to track your mind. Your mind! No man, I don't mind, have a Funyun. Oh, they're gone. But yeah, like, did you know nine-eleven, that was like, woah man [starts laughing] and like, wow, and [starts crying] I don't even know!”
The rally was intended to coincide with the joint legislation authored by Barney Frank and Ron Paul, which takes aim at legalizing marijuana at the Federal level, bypassing State laws that might otherwise prohibit the sale of the currently illegal drug. The agreement was reached by the two political powerhouses late one evening, “after giggling profusely about the names of John Boehner and Anthony Weiner,” according to Congressional aides. The legislation was almost lost, however, when Ron Paul told Congressman Frank that the two of them “were like Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd, and like, remember the one where Bugs dressed up like a girl bunny?” Frank was reportedly angered by Paul's joke, but after a trip to “the bakery,” a special marijuana smoking parlor underneath the Capitol building, he apparently changed his mind. - Return to Previous Page