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Glenn Beck rushed to ER after learning Obama watched a soccer match
5/20/2012 3:32 PM Matt Rock -
Conservative pundit Glenn Beck suffered a fainting spell today after the White House released a photograph (shown) of President Obama watching soccer – the evil anti-American socialist game the rest of the world plays – alongside Prime Minister David Cameron of Great Britain and Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany. Obama appears to be cheering for England's Chelsea FC, rather than rooting for Germany's Bayern Munich. Chelsea defeated Bayern Munich 4-3 in a penalty shootout. Oh, right... spoiler alert!
Beck was rushed to Harris Methodist Hospital in Fort Worth, Texas, after friends watched him collapse. “I never saw anything like it. I hope he's okay,” said one of Beck's friends. “He started drooling and speaking in tongues, and then he started screaming murderously at the top of his lungs. After that, he cried uncontrollably, rocking back and forth, `Crying Game' style, before jumping up, stripping naked, and running around the yard like a meth addict getting chased by ninja snakes. That's when he passed out. The whole thing happened pretty fast, in under fifteen seconds or so. Like I said, I never saw anything like it!”
Beck's Doctor, who told us his name but distracted us from writing it down because he was smoking a cigar and wearing a huge cowboy hat, explained the former Fox News host's condition. “Mr. Beck suffered from a sort of mental seizure called `Americanus Assholius Hatus Soccerus nous showus.' His brain couldn't process that he didn't have a TV show no more. I mean, he has his subscription-based TV channel, but the only people subscribed to it also have the last name `Beck.' So he couldn't rant and rave about Obama watching soccer like he wanted to. It done did him in, dude.”
Beck is expected to recover from the incident in a few hours' time, after which doctors will be instructing him to get plenty of bed rest, take in an ample amount of vitamins, and stay away from watching the television for a few days. Meanwhile, Chelsea FC's Didier Drogba is still a diving crybaby, while PTP's Matt Rock is an Arsenal fan for life... Goobers rule. - Return to Previous Page
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