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Newly discovered book of the New Testament shows Jesus was cool with homosexuality
5/22/2012 8:42 PM Matt Rock
An international team of archaeologists have discovered an ancient text, carbon-dated to approximately the era of Jesus' life, which tells a rather controversial story about Jesus Christ... that he jumped into the middle of a hazing ritual and freed a gay teenager from a physical and verbal assault at the hands of a group of bullies in Jerusalem.
The text, referred to by scientists as “the Book of Billy,” was discovered in a small series of caves at an undisclosed archaeological site somewhere in Israel. Experts believe the book is authentic, but wasn't included in the Bible because “Billy,” the book's author, wasn't actually an Apostle of Jesus. Based on the full text of the book, researchers have pieced together that Billy did Jesus' dry cleaning, and that his wife's brother was friends with at least two of the Apostles.
The mysterious book contains passages that show Jesus largely in the setting of Billy's dry cleaning business. In one scene, Jesus screams at Billy, asking how he can kick over the tables of the moneychangers or cure lepers with the wave of his hand if there's a giant hummus stain on his chest. For his part, Billy excused Jesus' behavior, noting he was probably just stressed out, “having twelve people following him around all day, refusing to leave him alone.”
The most astonishing segment in the Book of Billy, however, resonates strongly with the 2012 Presidential campaign here in the US, and touches on a hot-button issue that has been steering the election for weeks now. Below is an excerpt from the segment, taking place as Billy is walking over to Jesus with his dry cleaning.
“Jesus walketh upon a group of bullies, tormenting a younger man for lying with other men. And Jesus say unto them, `dude, what the fucketh? Leaveth this guyeth aloneth!' But the bullies donned knives, and cut the boys hair. Again, Jesus spoketh. `I'm seriouseth, cuteth this shiteth outeth or I'm going to breaketh my footeth off in your asseth! Sloweth your rolleth!' But the bullies continued unheeded, and so Jesus proceeded to stompeth the crapeth out of the bullies, and sayeth unto them that they were assholes, and that his father would be pissed when Jesus spoketh to him of it.”
One researcher couldn't believe the text when he finished translating it. “I mean... seriously, this is pretty funny. Jesus defends a gay kid getting bullied by a bunch of jerks who tried cutting his hair. The only way this could have been any better would be if Jesus screamed at some guy for strapping a dog to the roof of a carriage or something. But hey, we aren't done translating this yet, so who knows what we'll find next!” - Return to Previous Page
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