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Government considering Facebook buyout, says site is "too big to fail"
5/23/2012 3:33 PM Matt Rock
Social media giant Facebook Inc, which started selling shares publicly on Friday and has seen a steady decline in market value since, is now facing a lawsuit from shareholders, just five days after their initial public offering. Some are speculating if Facebook is showing signs of its short shelf-life, or possibly, an impending implosion of one of the most popular websites in the world. But have no fear... the United States government is here!
PTP has confirmed that the US Government is considering a major share buyout of Facebook, in the hopes of preventing what they claim would be a “cataclysmic collapse” of Facebook that would leave the site's 901+ million users in the dark, with no method of telling people they barely knew in high school what they ate for lunch, or harassing everyone with stupid Farmville requests, or searching for ex's so they can pout about their relationship status changes, or posting really lame graphics with crummy relationship advice.
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“Facebook plays such an important role in contemporary American society that our citizens might not know how to keep on keeping on if Facebook goes under,” said US Secretary of Commerce John Bryson. “Millions of American products feature Facebook implementation, and will be hurt financially if they go under. I hate saying this, but it's true... Facebook is too big to fail.”
Bryson says that if the deal happens, the US government would ensure that Facebook stays up and running for many years to come. But he does point out that users should expect a few changes, which he describes as minor. “When you make a status update, you'll have to wait 40 minutes until your number is called out by a large woman doing her nails and annoyingly chewing gum, who rudely belittles your existence and tells you that you filled out the wrong form like a total effing moron, all so you can go back through the line again and then listen to the women tell you how stupid your status message is, and remind you that no one gives a flying fudge if your left sock is bothering you. Oh, and we'll have to charge $3 per post, too. It's just the way we do business here in the government!” - Return to Previous Page
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