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Hawaii again verifies Obama's birth record, plans anti-birther law
5/23/2012 8:22 PM Matt Rock
The State of Hawaii has yet again verified President Obama's birth records, this time for Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett, who threatened to not allow President Obama's name to appear on the State's ballots in November unless Hawaii would verify that he's a natural-born United States citizen.
In the wake of this newest inquisition at the hands of birthers (who believe President Obama is a foreigner, because his name sounds funny and his skin is a different color than theirs), State officials in Hawaii are planning to introduce what many are calling an “anti-birther bill,” which would make it extremely difficult for most people to obtain birth records that aren't their own in the Aloha State, unless it directly relates to employment.
According to rough drafts of the bill obtained by PTP, Hawaii would need to verify that the person filing the request for another person's birth records has an IQ higher than 40, which the American Psychiatric Association qualifies as “moderate retardation.” A drug test would also need to be administered, to verify that the person making the request has not abused meth, and has not huffed paint, sniffed glue, or snorted air out of a whipped cream can. Lastly, the individual would need to provide their own medical records for the past ten years, to prove they have not suffered any major head traumas.
With those prerequisites out of the way, the person would need to make their request in person, traveling to Hawaii to file paperwork with a State judge. If the request relates to public officials, like, say, the President of the United States of America, the person would need to provide the judge with evidence that the person in question wasn't born in Hawaii, and that judge could choose to accept or deny that evidence. Finally, after a large man named Ted kicked the person in the crotch, the State would finally go about the process of verifying the person's birth records.
“I think I can safely speak on the behalf of all Hawaiians when I say that we're sick to death of this birther shit,” said Hawaii Governor Neil Abercrombie, who does not seem to know anyone with the last name “Fitch,” and didn't seem to get the joke when we asked him. “These people are morons. I mean really, really, really stupid. And our State shouldn't have to bend over backwards for a bunch of dumb-dumbs that won't accept the truth because they're too weak at civil discourse to go after the President any other way. So I'm hoping we pass this law. Seriously, these birthers need to find a new hobby.” - Return to Previous Page
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