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Obama, Romney discuss plans for zombie apocalypse after Miami man eats face
5/27/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock -
President Obama and presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney are making their cases for how their administrations might handle a zombie apocalypse, after it was reported that Saturday afternoon, a Miami man was shot to death by a police officer after refusing to stop eating the face of another man. And no, we aren't making that second part up!
Miami police responded to reports that two men were brawling near a high-traffic area in the city. When officers arrived on the scene, one man, who had stripped naked, was literally eating the face of the other man. Police shot him once, but the man kept munching. The officer had to shoot him five more times, six total, to bring the zombie-like assailant down.
“Let me be clear. My administration has already taken steps to minimize casualties during a zombie apocalypse, should one ever happen,” explained President Obama, referencing the CDC's famous website post one year ago, in May of 2011, where they explained how to survive a zombie apocalypse. “If an undead epidemic were to happen, we would take it seriously from day one, and not be those assholes in every horror movie ever made that say there's nothing to be scared of. I'll say something like `aww, HELL no!' and send everything we've got to stop the zombie outbreak as fast as we can. In fact, I've already sent Biden and a bunch of CDC guys down to Miami to look into this. `Caution' is my middle name. Don't you say it, Limbaugh... don't you even say it!”
Mitt Romney, however, offered a vastly different take on how to handle a zombie infestation. “God help us if this happens on this President's watch. All he's going to do is grow the Federal government and spend taxpayer money on trying to find a solution. I believe the private sector would be far better equipped to solve a zombie crisis. Like any god-fearing Mormon, I've never seen a horror movie. But I'm sure that corporations are always responsible, caring organizations that bring an end to zombie plagues, rather than starting them. Right?” - Return to Previous Page
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