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Joe Biden confuses Memorial Day with Fourth of July, nearly burns down White House
5/28/2012 9:19 AM Matt Rock
Vice President Joe Biden is in hot water this morning after Secret Service agents assigned to his protection detail confiscated over 300 lbs of explosives that he was hiding under his bed. Biden was allegedly planning to set the fireworks off later tonight, putting on a surprise show for President Obama in the White House Rose Garden.
During the seizure of Biden's fireworks stash, however, an agent accidentally knocked over a lamp shaped to look like Scranton, Pennsylvania – you know, gray and depressing; a lamp where nothing interesting has ever happened in the history of the Earth, where all of the most interesting people in the, uh, lamp, are driving down I-81 or the PA Turnpike with much more interesting destinations in mind – which shattered on the floor, sending off an electrical spark that ignited some of the fireworks that had not yet been removed.
“For a few minutes, it was sheer pandemonium,” said one Secret Service agent who witnessed the chaos. “A rocket went off and shot into [Biden's] bedroom wall, lighting his Bruce Springsteen poster on fire, which quickly spread to his Amtrak train poster, which fell down onto his X-Men comforter, lighting the whole room on fire. We were lucky any of us got out of there.”
At that moment, the Secret Service “crashed” the White House – meaning no one could come in or leave – until sprinklers, fire extinguishers, and Biden's “Super Soaker” water guns could be deployed to stop the fire before it spread through the rest of the nation's most famous and important residence.
“I feel terrible that this happened,” said Vice President Biden. “I was just trying to be all patriotic and stuff. But now Obama says I'm grounded. He's such a meanie-head! But I do get to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom for a few weeks while they get my room fixed, and Lincoln had a funny beard and a tall hat, and that makes me giggle! Hey, don't forget, you promised me some candy if I gave you this interview, Matt!” - Return to Previous Page
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