Pardon The Pundit News Feed
CDC investigating possible spread of zombie plague, says 2012 elections involved
5/31/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, better known simply as “The CDC,” reported today that they are investigating a possible outbreak of what they describe as a “zombie virus,” which transforms people into stumbling, groaning undead cannibals.
According to the CDC, President Obama ordered them to investigate a recent string of bizarre, violent domestic stories that have sprung up around the nation, including those of a Florida man who ate the face of another man, a Texas woman who ate the brain of her infant child, and a New Jersey man who disemboweled himself and threw his own guts at police officers.
The findings of the CDC's investigation are quite grim. While they're still examining evidence and interviewing witnesses, CDC Director Dr. Tom Frieden told PTP that their data is showing conclusively thus far that there is indeed a zombie outbreak happening, with the disease spreading mostly on the east coast of the United States and in parts of Ontario, Canada.
“It's too early to tell what this is or how it started, but we did manage to trace strands of the disease back to three distinct sources,” explained Dr. Frieden. “It seems to be a confluence of three different viruses. One stemmed from a Tea Party rally in Georgia, another came from an Occupy Wall Street camp in Boston, and the third was an airborne strand that materialized during a GOP debate in Florida.”
According to Dr. Frieden, when you combine the brain-dead Tea Party strand with the fried-brain Occupy strand, and then throw in the brainless GOP debate strand, you get a virus that may be unstoppable. However, Frieden insists that the public shouldn't panic just yet, because the brain-numbing Obama Administration is on the case. - Return to Previous Page
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Hal Sparks Live at the Drafthouse
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media
© PardonThePundit - ABOUT
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.