Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Court finds DOMA unconstitutional after discussing politicians' marriages
5/31/2012 3:50 PM Matt Rock
A federal appeals court in Massachusetts ruled earlier today that the Defense of Marriage Act of 1996, which legally defines marriage in the eyes of the federal government as being between a man and a woman, is unconstitutional, a ruling that will most likely drive DOMA into the Supreme Court in the near future.
The three judges ruled unanimously on the case after viewing evidence and hearing testimony about the heterosexual marriages of several American politicians, with opponents of DOMA making the case that those politicians make a mockery of the so-called “sanctity of marriage.”
Judges reviewed the multiple marriages of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who has a tendency to leave his wives as soon as they contract a life-threatening illness, as well as the multiple marriages of Donald Trump, who is not a politician, but nearly ran for President, and leaves his wives whenever newer models hit the market. They also learned of John Edwards' marriage, and how Edwards, like Gingrich, ditched his ailing wife for another woman.
They also learned about numerous other sex scandals from politicians and popular figures in both parties. Bill Clinton, Herman Cain, Anthony Weiner, David Vitter, John Ensign, David Wu, Eliot Spitzer, Eric Massa, Thad Viers, Tom Ganley, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Strom Thurmond, and Gary Hart were all named during the court's review process.
“It is the finding of this court that straight couples are, by legal definition, shitty at keeping their marriages intact, especially when you toss a politician into the mix,” said the official court document released to announce their decision. “It is wrong for politicians, many of whom lie to and cheat on their spouses, to even pretend they give a crap about marriage, or the sanctity thereof. Therefore, DOMA is lame. Peace out!” - Return to Previous Page
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media
© PardonThePundit - ABOUT
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.