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Obama reveals new jobs plan involving pornography
6/1/2012 8:11 PM Matt Rock -
President Obama announced earlier this evening a new plan to create jobs, noting passively that unemployment rose in May for the first time in 11 months from 8.1% to 8.2%, with only about 69,000 jobs added last month.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures, so my administration has developed a brilliant new plan for employment that some of you might say is, well, `unorthodox,'” said President Obama, speaking from the Rose Garden. “This weekend, we are unveiling the launch of a new website, called `capitolthrill.gov,' which will be online tomorrow. The site will allow unemployed Americans to upload photos, videos, text, and audio files of a pornographic nature, and sell them to other Americans.”
The President was nearly interrupted by a flutter of questions from the press corp, but he continued through it. “Users, who will verify that they are 18 or older by supplying their Social Security number and other forms of identification, will be allowed to charge whatever they want for the content they themselves create. America's unemployed will be able to go into business for themselves, and based on the popularity of the porn industry, this has the potential of bringing unemployment figures down from 8.2% to around 1% flat.”
“We've come together with Republicans on this plan, too, agreeing to waive income tax generated through the site in lieu of a 10% sales tax on content. We believe that together, slutty Long Island girls and trashy New Jersey girls and dimwitted California girls will manage to pay down the national debt and bring our Federal balance back into the black within just a few months. It'll also add new revenue streams to American fruit and vegetable growers, and provide a major boost to the tissue paper, sock, and hand lotion industries, while Sharper Image will sell more `massagers' than ever before. Stick that in your pipe and suck it, Reagan!”
The White House says the new website should be up and running sometime this weekend, once FBI agents have successfully tracked down the Kardashians and, through rendition, shipped them off to secret CIA camps in foreign countries, preventing them from generating content and sullying the reputation of the site before it gets off the ground. - Return to Previous Page
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