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GOP orders Mitt Romney to go on mystical quest to make up for misspelling “Reagan”
6/8/2012 10:15 AM Matt Rock -
Ranking members of the GOP leadership have issued an order to presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney: correct the heinous crime of misspelling Ronald Reagan's name as “Regan” by completing a grand quest, or disavow all ties to the Republican party and continue running as an independent.
The Romney campaign, which has suffered from a series of embarrassing typos lately, managed to misspell “Ronald Reagan” – a right-wing hero of conservatism, despite his occasional liberal leanings – as “Ronald Regan,” in a PowerPoint presentation of presidential approval ratings in May of election years.
“We didn't mind so much when he misspelled `America' as `Amercia,' or `offical' as `official,' or `sneak peek' as `sneak peak.' But not spelling our Lord and Savior Ronald Reagan's name properly is punishable by death, at least in Texas,” explained RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “To make up for this most vile of crimes, he must complete the fabled `Red March.' May God and Reagan be with him on the perilous journey that lies before him!”
The “Red March” is a challenging quest... so challenging, in fact, that no Republican has ever managed to complete it. Romney will need to travel, on foot, from Port Authority in New York City into the heart of Manhattan, find a homeless person, and offer them $5, of his own money and from his own wallet, doing so without insulting him, grinding his teeth, clenching his butt, vomiting, or crying. He must then successfully make it back to Port Authority, still on foot, without checking to make sure he hadn't been pick-pocketed, or stopping at a doctor's office to make sure he doesn't have AIDS.
“Governor Romney is up to this challenge, we're sure of it,” said Romney's Campaign Manager, Matt Rhoades. “He watched all three `Lord of the Rings' movies, all three `Matrix' movies, and several episodes of HBO's `Game of Thrones,' season one, until he got to that scene where the gay dude is shaving the other gay dude... the metaphors and symbolism nearly killed him. But he's totally ready for this.”
George W. Bush was the last Republican forced into carrying out the Red March, shortly after his presidency ended. Some say he still wanders the streets of Manhattan, choking on peanuts and waving at blind people. - Return to Previous Page
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