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Congress could be replaced by super computer, Obama says
6/9/2012 10:32 AM Matt Rock -
President Obama addressed the nation earlier today from the White House Rose Garden, flanked by a team of what appeared to be mega-geeks, offering what he claims could be a grand solution to the nation's political woes: a super computer designed to replace the United States Congress entirely.
“The technology age has given us a myriad of incredible inventions,” the President stated. “Cell phones capable of capturing video of domestic abuse that can be uploaded to that Socialcam site. MP3 players that can stores countless songs in a device no larger than, well, an MP3 player. And today, I'm announcing that The House of Representatives and the United States Senate can be replaced entirely in 2012 by a computer. This truly is a great era to live in and experience first-hand.”
The super computer, named “Sylvanas” after a character from “World of Warcraft” by the nerds that built it, will run as an independent in the 2012 elections. If elected, “Sylvanas” would poll the American populace, via emails and social networking services, to figure out social policies to author and pass, based not only on popular beliefs, but on the lowest 15% of ideals as well, which the computer would research to calculate which would be deemed popular and necessary over time.
President Obama also claims the computer could solve the nation's economic woes. “There was a time when Congress was packed with the brightest minds in the country. These days, we're lucky when members of Congress remember how to breath without their mouths open. There will be no more obstructionism. No more anti-abortion amendments tacked onto desperately-needed jobs bills. This computer will figure out what taxes get raised, what spending gets cut, what expenses get paid, and when. There, problem solved.”
A PTP/ PPP/ CNN poll, conducted shortly after the President's speech, shows that 99.999% of the American population approve of the President's idea to replace Congress with a super computer. Only 535 Americans seem to disagree with the idea... the exact number of people serving in the House of Representatives and the Senate combined, ironically enough. - Return to Previous Page
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