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US Congress plagued by bath salts since 2011, new study finds
6/8/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock -
A new medical study conducted by Johns Hopkins University finds that the United States Congress has been suffering from an addiction to bath salts since January of 2011. Their data shows conclusively that at least 87 out of 100 Senators, and 412 out of 435 Representatives, have been using bath salts to get high at least once per month, with more than 70% getting high five or more times per week.
Bath salts have been blamed for a string of bizarre, zombie-like cannibal attacks recently, including a university student who ate the brain and heart of his roommate, a Florida man who ate the face of a fellow homeless man (and a nearly identical incident in Louisiana), a Texas woman who ate the brain of her infant child, and a New Jersey man who disemboweled himself and threw his own organs at police officers. Other bizarrely-violent incidents, including a Florida man who tried to eat his way through a police cruiser to devour its officer occupants, have also been tied to abusing bath salts.
“It really explains a lot about our Congress,” says one student-level researcher, who asked to remain anonymous so as not to see her Pell Grants affected. “There haven't been many cases of cannibalism in Washington, not since Dick Cheney left the White House anyway, but still, Congress has been pretty bizarre in the past year, screaming about jobs but not actually passing any jobs bills, going after small programs like Planned Parenthood while trying to raise defense spending, John Boehner turning orange... bath salts can explain a lot of that.”
For their part, politicians serving on Capitol Hill don't seem entirely worried about the bath salt epidemic. “Look, we haven't started eating each other yet, so I don't see what all the fuss is about,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “And besides, a little cannibalism never hurt anyone. The Koch brothers have been eating people for decades, and they're perfectly alright.” - Return to Previous Page
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