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Jurors in Edwards case speak out, begged judge to make being a douchebag illegal
6/10/2012 10:20 AM Alyson Durden
Members of the jury from the John Edwards trial have begun talking to the media about their deliberations and decision to acquit the former presidential candidate and Senator of charge number three. A media tour has been scheduled for them that will include "the View", TMZ, and "Fox & Friends". Several have asked to take their story to the "Jersey Shore" but no one who produces the show had any idea who they were or what the situation was all about. It seems the reason they took nine days was that they kept begging the judge to let them find Edwards guilty of being a douchebag, something made impossible by the fact that it isn't actually a crime. Because the jury was deadlocked on most of the counts, a mistrial was declared and it is unlikely that the government will go through this again.
"We didn't think that charge about the older woman, Bunny, held any water," one remarked. "We read over her notes and she's like a thousand years old so we figure she was just giving money to one of the few people who would call her back. I know my grandmother would pay strangers almost anything to get a phone call."
"We all agreed that John Edwards is a jerk. The problem was that's not a crime -- at least not for most of us. Hell, if it was I would be in jail. I can tell you that when I was cheating on my wife, who was also dying of cancer, I didn't have anyone to pay anyone off or have a willing minion to claim paternity of our love child but if I had, I wouldn't be living out of a box down by the river right now," said another.
One juror was particularly bitter about the mistrial. "Look, he may not technically be guilty of these crimes but I can assure you, that man is guilty of something. I was ready to stay sequestered for years just to make sure he went to jail."
Edwards himself was pretty happy about the verdict but remained in denial about his political career. "The next time I run for President, I will do things differently. I may just have a vasectomy first."
Yes, Mr. Edwards, the only thing standing between you and a successful return to politics is that. - Return to Previous Page
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