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House votes to censure Snooki's vagina after nude photos surface
6/9/2012 8:31 PM Matt Rock -
In one of the most overwhelmingly bi-partisan actions in the history of the United States Congress, the House of Representatives voted 431 to 4 today to censure the vagina of talentless reality television star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, after nude photos of the over-tanned, over-hyped skank began circulating on the web.
“Usually the censure is reserved for congressmen, senators, and presidents. But while Snooki's vagina isn't in congress, at least half of congress has been in Snooki's vagina, so we decided to make this move,” said House Speaker John Boehner, who fell in love with Snooki after they met in a tanning salon and confirmed earlier this year that he is the father of her expected baby. “This was the most measured response to her nude photos that we could think of.”
“It's rare that Democrats and Republicans are able to work together like this,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “But it's nice to know that there are still things we can all agree on, and key amongst them is the fact that none of us want to see, smell, or think about Snooki's vagina ever again. I only wish we could do more.”
Wall Street took a nosedive yesterday after Snooki's nude photos started to surface. Investors are concerned that by Monday morning, publicly-traded companies that sell products that smell, or remind customers of, various odors might be damaged financially to the point where they could be driven out of business completely.
One Wall Street executive explained his concerns. “If a company sells anything that smells like fish, skunks, dead bodies, Baja veggie burgers, vomit, farts, rotten eggs, food from Applebee's, or the State of New Jersey, where Snooki happens to be from... no coincidence there... then chances are they're going to take a massive hit Monday morning, because consumers that have seen, or even heard about those pictures will be turned away from those products. Next to Oprah and Dick Cheney, Snooki has the most powerful vagina in the world, and it's about time our Congress started appreciating that.” - Return to Previous Page
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