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Politicians use Miami cannibal/ zombie case to rail against marijuana
6/10/2012 3:56 PM Matt Rock -
The famed “Miami Zombie,” who recently devoured the face of a homeless man in Florida before being shot repeatedly by police officers, had allegedly smoked marijuana only a few hours prior to the grisly attack. This is prompting some politicians to use the world's most famous zombie case as an example of what marijuana does to the human mind.
“If ever there was a time for strict legislation outlawing marijuana, even for medical use, this is definitely it,” said Congressman Darrell Issa (R-CA). “It's obvious, after reading about this attack, that the attacker – this so-called `zombie' – was suffering from a fatal case of `the munchies.' What happens when all of these pot-smoking teenagers run out of Doritos and candy bars? Cannibalism is too steep a price to pay for their life-threatening hobby!”
“I smoked marijuana when I was younger. Lots of it. Like, truckloads of pot. And I never tried to eat anyone's face. But times have changed,” offered President Obama. “Marijuana is more potent today than it ever was when I was younger. It's so powerful now that people are getting high, and actually eating each other. That's why my administration has taken such a strong stance on stopping marijuana. It was good enough for me, but definitely not good enough for you!”
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) is going a step further than his contemporaries in railing against marijuana. “Some of us have been saying for years that marijuana leads to cannibalism, as well as obesity, AIDS, rape, public nakedness, homosexuality, unemployment, athlete's foot, Dick Van Dyke, and leprosy. I might look like a human-turtle cross-breed, but I know that marijuana is dangerous for our people and terrible for our society. This Florida man was turned into a flesh-eating zombie by REEFER MADNESS! We must stop marijuana before it afflicts more people and ruins more lives! And faces!” - Return to Previous Page
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