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SPOILER ALERT! PTP reveals big Apple Inc. announcement one day early
6/10/2012 9:43 PM Matt Rock -
Apple fans around the globe are clamoring to learn about the huge announcement the electronics giant will be making tomorrow. Well, clamor no more... PTP has landed an exclusive interview with a senior-level Apple Inc. executive, and they've told us that there is much to look forward to tomorrow if you're a fan of Apple's products. How will their announcement affect the 2012 elections, you ask? Read on!
“With the unfortunate passing of Steve Jobs, our board decided to take a long, hard look at the business model of Apple's products, and we've decided to fundamentally change the Mac forever,” said our anonymous source, whose name rhymes with “Apple CEO Tim Cook.” “We think Apple fans are going to love the new Mac we'll be unveiling tomorrow. It will revolutionize the revolutionary!”
“For the past decade or so, we've marketed Macs to snooty, pretentious people who like to think of themselves as `trendy,' and who are willing to pay way too much money for an inferior product, with weak processing power and a woeful lack of software compatibility. We like to make jokes and vitriolic commercials railing against the PC, but let's be honest here. Mac owners wish their computer was as modular and upgradeable, as universally useful, and as aesthetically unique as a PC. They wish they could play games and enjoy the dynamic qualities of a PC. But they still want to be able to pose themselves as holier-than-thou.”
“That's why the new Mac will be... wait for it... a Mac, AND a PC! It really is a brilliant system. When you want to play video games, watch movies, and do any of the other million and one things a PC is flat-out better at than a Mac, you can switch to Windows mode. And when you're working on your `novel' or your 'screenplay' while sitting in a Starbucks looking down your nose at people that come in with `real' computers, you can nonchalantly flash your screen at them, showing that you're using our inferior Mac OS! It's this sort of brilliant business model Steve Jobs never would have let us go for!”
Cook... uh... our anonymous source... said the company will also be revealing a new voting tool. “Another big announcement to watch out for tomorrow will be the `iBallot,' an app that will let you vote in the 2012 elections this November from the comfort of, well, wherever it is you're using your Apple product. The app will work on all Apple products, including your Mac, iPhone, iPad, iPod, iToilet, iTreadmill, iCar, iToaster, iSuitcase, iUnderwear, or anything in our line of iMlonely sex toys!” - Return to Previous Page
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Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
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