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PTP Exclusive! Satan makes official 2012 endorsement
6/12/2012 10:30 AM Matt Rock -
Satan, also known as the Devil, Lucifer, Hades, Beelzebub, Shaitan, Baphomet, and Jerry Sandusky, contacted PTP at midnight last evening to formally make his official endorsement in the 2012 presidential race. And while both President Obama and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney were hoping Satan would pick the other guy, the world will be shocked to learn that the dark lord of the underworld actually picked... neither.
“Obama and Romney simply aren't evil enough,” said Satan, after plugging Verizon Wireless and praising Time Warner Cable's customer service department. “They've both done some evil things here and there, Romney more than Obama one might argue, but they're more `ha-ha' evil, like putting dogs on the roofs of cars, or keeping Gitmo open after promising they wouldn't. So I decided to make my own dream ticket, and endorse that.”
The devil paused for a moment, torturing someone in the background that sounded sort of like Michael Jackson, before continuing. “So I'm picking Dick Cheney, and for VP, I have to go with John Edwards. And yes, I realize they're in two different parties. I'm not saying it would be easy to get these guys elected. But if I could have it my way, we'd see a Cheney-Edwards ticket in 2012.”
We asked Satan why he put Cheney on the top of his ideal ticket. “John Edwards is pretty evil. He's the worst living, mortal Democrat I could think of, and he's way worse than most Republicans, too. But it should be pretty obvious why Cheney is on top of the list. The guy shot another man in his face, and his victim apologized to him! `Sorry Dick, I didn't mean for YOU to shoot ME in the FACE!' What the where-I-live is that?! I'm pretty evil... I'm Satan even... but I could never pull that off. You find me someone more evil than Dick Cheney, whose last name isn't `Bieber' anyway, and I'll let you switch out Hitler's anal pineapple next Thursday, even though it's my favorite pass-time!”
Satan acknowledged that his pick wasn't entirely realistic, but he said that he did have hope for it. “I could probably make it work. You know, I do have, what, ninety-seven percent of all the super PAC, union, and lobby groups in my pocket, as well as most of the mainstream media, excluding Fox of course, because even I look at them and sigh. But if you control the special interests and the media, you control the election. So I don't think it's out of the question to hope for a Cheney/ Edwards ticket in 2012.” - Return to Previous Page
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