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Tucker Carlson's bowtie collection stolen; Obama Administration denies involvement
6/16/2012 3:48 PM Matt Rock -
Daily Caller co-founder Tucker Carlson's Washington DC home is crawling with police this afternoon, and no, it's not because someone tried grabbing him in a bathroom again. According to sources with the DC Metro police, Carlson's home was burglarized sometime earlier today, with as many as 57 of Carlson's trademark bowties now missing and presumed, well, never to be worn by anyone in the world with even the slimmest sense of style.
The nerdy right-wing TV pundit reportedly phoned the police in a panic after stopping by his home approximately two hours ago, claiming he doesn't use public restrooms because, quote, “public restrooms are the birthing grounds of the homosexual agenda.” It was then that he ritualistically investigated the secret temperature/ humidity/ air pressure/ attractiveness- controlled vault in his home that stores his famed bowties, which he stopped wearing publicly in 2006, but still wears when he's sleeping, bathing, eating snacks, and, well, having “alone time,” if you catch our drift.
“We hope that Mr. Carlson learns from this. You can't defend one of your reporters after he heckles the President, even when everyone else on the planet thinks it was tasteless at best, and brainless otherwise,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney via an email sent to PTP, referring to an incident yesterday where Daily Caller “reporter” Neil Munro repeatedly interrupted the President during a speech, probably because Munro isn't a real journalist. “Having said that, the White House did not play a role in the burglary. The President would never order SEAL Team Six to infiltrate Carlson's home, steal his bowties, leave an upper-decker in his bathroom, and shake up each can of soda in his fridge, all because Carlson hasn't fired the two-bit talentless hack that insulted not just the President of the United States, but his office as a whole. Our administration would never do that. ;)”
PTP contacted the museum of lame clothing in Ann Arbor, Michigan to determine the street value of Carlson's stolen bowtie collection. They report that each is worth approximately -$37, meaning you'd have to pay someone $37 to take them off your hands, with the exception of nine bowties given to Carlson by Pee-Wee Herman, each of which is worth around $4 on eBay. All told, someone would need to pay $1,740 to get rid of the full collection. They say that bowties are the world's lamest fashion item, topping both sweater vests and clothing purchased at Wal-Mart. Which is fitting, because the Daily Caller is about as lame as any site on the web. - Return to Previous Page
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