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Mysterious military space shuttle returns to Earth; sources reveal mission details
6/16/2012 8:30 PM Matt Rock
The United States Air Force X-37B, an unmanned spacecraft built for the US military by Boeing, returned to earth today from its classified mystery mission after having spent more than a year in space. With the ship now securely locked away in a hangar at Vandenberg AFB near Santa Maria, California, Pentagon officials are working on the vessel's next mission. And PTP's kick-ass team of journalists have found a number of senior-level Pentagon sources that are willing to tell us what the X-37 is designed to do.
“The military is keeping a tight lid on this, and for good reasons. If we openly revealed what the X-37 is being tested for, well, the American people, and the people of the world for that matter, would be pretty pissed with us,” explained one of our anonymous sources. “I could get fired for telling you this. Hell, I could go to prison, or worse. You can't let anyone know that my name is Colonel Craig Hawkins, born August 14th 1969 in Trinidad, Colorado, or that I live at 3013 Columbia Pike, Arlington Virginia, 22204.” Woops! I don't think I was supposed to add that last bit, but I don't think the Colonel will mind.
“The X-37 is designed to make women have clothing malfunctions while cameras are taking pictures or shooting videos of them,” Colonel Hawkins explained. “It sends a high-powered signal through the device, causing it to vibrate the air molecules around it at the perfect frequency to break buttons and drop flies, all so that boobs and other body parts can be exposed.”
We asked the Colonel why the military would be investing so much money in technology of that nature. “You don't understand just how powerful a quick nip-slip can be! Megan Fox's boob falls out, and Germany signs a loan over to Greece. Kim Kardashian gets out of a limo with her legs open, and Occupy Wall Street protesters stay home and fail to disrupt a major trade summit at the UN. This device could change the entire world! Or at least that's what the boobs in Washington tell us.” - Return to Previous Page
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