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Obama orders drone attack on Kohl's store after receiving a mug for Father's Day
6/17/2012 8:10 PM Matt Rock -
A Kohl's department store in Alexandria, Virginia – about 13 miles from the White House – exploded earlier this evening at approximately 8:14 pm. No one was hurt in the blast, though witnesses and local news outlets are reporting that the store itself was, as one person put it, “completely, utterly destroyed.”
“Someone called the store at around 8 pm. It sounded like... well, it seems crazy, but it sounded like Joe Biden,” said Jeanette Alvarez, 38, the store's manager. “He said we had ten minutes to evacuate the store before it would explode. I thought I heard President Obama in the background, too, bitching about a coffee mug. It sounds insane, I know... but Joe Biden saved my life tonight, and the lives of all of our employees and shoppers.”
Alvarez's story is collaborated by Alexandria Police Chief Earl L. Cook. “We got a phone call at approximately 8:06 pm from a man identifying himself as Joe Biden, warning us that the Kohl's store on Kingstowne Boulevard would be attacked by an unmanned aerial vehicle, or `UAV.' Our ongoing investigation is turning up evidence that this damage is consistent with that of a drone strike. I think President Obama blew up a department store because he didn't like his Father's Day present, but I'm just floating that theory.”
Cook's theory may have grounds in reality. According to numerous White House sources, President Obama was outraged this morning when for Father's Day, First Lady Michelle Obama stole his last pack of cigarettes, insisting he go the full day without smoking. Sources indicate that this may have been a part of an ongoing punishment for Obama's recent inappropriate oral sex joke at a fundraiser event.
“He went the whole day without a cigarette,” said one source. “And when Sasha and Malia gave him a coffee mug for Father's Day, it put him over the edge. It wasn't even a father-related mug... it just had a cutesy frog on it. He started ordering the Joint Chiefs to show him a force depletion report for an attack on a Kohl's store, and opted to send a UAV. But I guess you'd have a short temper, too, if your wife took your cigarettes away after making you sleep on the couch for two weeks.” - Return to Previous Page
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