Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Rick Santorum staked in the heart by Romney supporter; saved by sweater vest
6/18/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock
Former GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum is being held under police protection this afternoon, after a crazed Mitt Romney supporter attempted to stab him in the heart with a wooden stake. Authorities say Santorum owes his life to a beige sweater vest, which was so stupid-looking the stake splintered rather than penetrating it, because nothing prevents forms of penetration like a sweater vest.
The attack occurred at approximately 1:55 pm EST in Pennsylvania. Witnesses say the assailant yelled “something about vampires insulting mannequins” before lunging forward with his sharp, wooden weapon. Santorum's attacker fled from the scene when his assault failed, and is currently being pursued by local, State, and federal law enforcement agencies.
Sources with the FBI have told PTP that the attack may be related to a recent interview with Alan Ball, the creator of HBO's hit vampire series “True Blood,” where he told a reporter that he based the show's new theocratic vampire character on Santorum, as well as Rick Santorum's recent announcement that he is not interested in serving the Romney administration, should his former primary rival win the general election against President Obama.
Police are warning residence of Pennsylvania to be on the look out for man wearing Tea Party clothing, carrying a large, splintered wooden stake. He can most easily be identified by his Romney campaign pin on his shirt, which reads “I Sand with Mit Ronmey for Amercia!” - Return to Previous Page
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media
© PardonThePundit - ABOUT
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.