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Romney's polling drops by 20% after patch of actual, green grass is found in Detroit
6/21/2012 3:30 PM Matt Rock
Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney suffered a staggering blow in the polls earlier today when a patch of actual grass – not astroturf or really short weeds, but real, living grass – was discovered in Detroit, Michigan this afternoon. Some analysts believe that news of the grass patch's discovery may be so overwhelmingly positive that Romney's campaign might never rebound from it, as his election chances hinge on America's sadness and despair.
The EPA, CDC, FDA, and FCC are working with local and State authorities to protect the patch of grass, which is the first sign of life anyone has seen in the city of Detroit since 2006, when scientists labored to grow a single daisy in the city. The experiment ended tragically two months later, when the daisy shifted colors from yellow to blackish-purple, and starting speaking in a thick German accent, demanding sacrifices and promising the impending arrival of “the dark Lord of the underworld.” Police were forced to shoot and kill the daisy, and since then, nothing has lived in or visited Detroit.
An expeditionary team traveled into Detroit last last evening, on a 48-hour study to see if any signs of life could be found. The grass was discovered growing 50 meters away from a crumbling apartment building that once belonged to a raider gang decked out in biker jackets and wielding sports equipment as weapons, before they died, like everything else in Detroit. But while so far, initial research shows that the grass is normal, healthy, and not spawned by Satan, the news is pretty bad for the Romney campaign, which is banking on America's suffering.
“We just got off the phone with GOP-friendly governors, asking them to downplay the growing economy, and then this garbage goes and happens,” said Romney Campaign Manager Matt Rhoades, who was speaking privately with a GOP donor when PTP hacked... uh... “discovered justly and legally” the phone conversation. “Mitt just can't catch a break! So we're actively trying to develop a plan to sneak into Detroit, poison and kill the grass, and then frame it all on Obama's policies on gay marriage. Just keep giving us money! We haven't lost this thing yet!” - Return to Previous Page
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