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Dick Cheney threatens Mitt Romney, says he “will” be the next Vice President
6/23/2012 3:19 PM Matt Rock -
Former Vice President Dick Cheney has reached out to the Mitt Romney campaign, with regards to taking up his old position in the White House. But Cheney wasn't asking if Romney would consider him, nor was he offering his services in the hopes of broadening Romney's options should he defeat President Obama in November. Sources have told PTP that instead, Cheney was informing Romney that the VP vetting process was over... Cheney simply decided he was returning to his old job.
“It was the most terrifying experience I've ever had,” said one anonymous source inside the Romney campaign. “We were going about our day, minding our own business, when this big, dreary, militant orchestral music started playing all through the building. All these guys in white battle armor came rushing into the hotel, shooting hotel staff with laser rifles. And then Dick Cheney came in. I've never been so scared in my life. To be that close to Dick Cheney... it was chilling.”
“Dick Cheney cornered Mitt Romney. I think he may have wet himself, Romney I mean,” another source continued. “He just stood there all menacing, towering over him. And then he told Mitt that his VP search was over, and that Cheney himself was taking the spot. He said something about how he `wasn't done ruling yet,' and that Mitt's family `would be, or could be, safe' if he `played ball.'”
“Mitt tried to argue at first, but Cheney just held his hand up in the air and pinched his fingers together, and Mitt started choking,” the source continued. Even the Secret Service was powerless to help. Mitt apologized and Cheney let him go, but then Mitt started saying, you know, `I'll put you on the short list, I swear!' Then Cheney pulled out this big red laser sword, all glowy and mean-looking, and that was that. That's how we vetted Dick Cheney for the position. Just like that, we have a Vice President for the ticket.”
Legend has it that a similar event transpired in 2000, when Cheney made himself George W. Bush's vice presidential candidate. Witnesses at that event claim that Cheney did not need to intimidate Bush, however; they claim Cheney convinced Bush using a Jedi mind trick, which allegedly only works on the feeble-minded. Many conspiracy buffs also theorize that Cheney was choking Bush, rather than a pretzel, but there is little evidence to support that claim. - Return to Previous Page
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